Concrete Jungle
by scout27
Summary: TV BASED! Serena is back, Dan never left, but everything has changed. An introspective look at some things we've seen, and some we haven't. Thank you for the reviews! I'll be updating VERY soon!
1. There's Always that Certain Something

** AN: There just aren't that many Dan and Serena stories out there, and well...they're some of my favorite characters so I just couldn't help but continue this. This is more of an introspective walk through the beginning of the series. Hopefully someone else will enjoy it too. I'm not sure how far I'll go with it, I guess it depends on how far the ideas go and how many people end up reading and enjoying. Drop me a review if you like it.**_** I've included a repost of the prologue at the beginning of this chapter because I wasn't sure I was going to continue this, you can find the original post in the story titled: Concrete Jungle. **_

* * *

_** Concrete Jungle: Prologue  
**_

_click-clack, click-clack, click-clack, click-clack_

The train chattered at a steady pace as it raced through the Connecticut countryside; the sun hanging low in the sky outside the clouded window like the ray of a bright flashlight shining through a smudged piece of wax paper. Serena hated riding the train. It was usually crowded, dirty, loud, and annoying and she wasn't sure if she could handle any of the above today.

She would normally have taken a car sent by her mother to get home, but today was different and she couldn't be bothered with the wait. Not to mention the fact that her mother was the last person she wanted to accept anything from right now.

Serena blew a stray piece of blond hair from her face and let her head hit the dirty window with a thud as she thought about the conversation she'd had with her mom earlier that day. The conversation that finally shattered the remainder of the tactically created and put together Upper East Side facade that years of tradition and living with her ever elegant and proper mother had blessed her with.

_"Serena, I really don't think that's necessary," Lily van __der__ Woodsen__ sighed._

_"Not necessary?" Serena demanded into her cell phone as she stomped up the stairs to her room at Hanover Academy for Girls attempting to find some__ privacy; a seemingly impossible task at an__ all girls boarding school. "You honestly think I'm going to listen to the person who got him where he is in the first place?"_

_"Watch your tone young lady," Lily snapped. "You have no idea what's been going on here lately so don't go throwing around rash __accusations__ about this situation."_

_Serena sighed and took a deep breath. __Now, a__fter 16 years her mother had dec__ided to actually mother? __This was not the way to get information from __Lily__ and right now that was exactly what __Serena__ needed. She only cared about one thing, finding out if her brother was okay._

_"I'm sorry Mom. It's just…I'm freaking out here. I can't stay at Hanover any more. I need to be with Eric. I'm coming home today and we can talk then."_

_"What about your __classes__?" Her mother was caving (not that it mattered, she would be leaving regardless), Serena could tell. Maybe the sole reason Lily had even called as soon as she had was for the very purpose of getting her daughter home so she wouldn't feel so guilty when leaving Eric alone for her afternoon teas and manicures or blow-outs at Frederik Fekkai. Serena couldn't help but sadly realize that, with her mother, such selfish acts were always a possibility. _

_"I don't care about that right now Mom, and frankly, __I'm__ not sure how you could either," Serena accused. "I know what I need to do, where I need to be." Why __had it taken__ something like this to make her realize something she should have known all along? "I'll start back at Constance next week. I'm packing what I need and I'm leaving today."_

_Lily was silent for a moment on the other en__d of the line. "Assuming they let you back in," she clipped. "__At least let me send a car for you."_

_"No, I could be halfway home before a car even gets here. I'll take a train. Just have someone pick me up at Grand Central this afternoon," Serena could feel the tears that had been threatening __to spill__ since her mother had called welling up in the corners of her eyes and she swiped at them angrily with the back of her free hand. This __was the icing o__n the cake that was the, mostly, self-__made__ nightmare of the past year of her life._

_Lily almost whispered into the phone as if she didn't want her daughter to hear. __"Fine.__ I will be at the Waldorf's this afternoon for an important party. You will come to the party and talk to me before you go anywhere else. Do you understand?" _

_"You're leaving him! You can NOT be serious!" Serena yelped as she slammed her door and began tossing clothes into an open,__ dark gray__ Louis __Vuitton__ suitcase__ with __little brown __L's and V'__s covering it.__ She offhandedly wondered w__hen and why__ petty shit like a designer suitcase__ became__ so important to her. She couldn't recall, it just always...was.  
_

_"Serena, he's in good hands. He's resting. There's nothing more I can do for him right now," Lily stated._

_She was sick of her mother__'__s excuses. "Except__** be**__ there, but you were never very good at that were you Mom?" Serena dug, going for the jugular. No use holding back now.__ She was pissed, she was helpless, she was scared and __damnit__ to hell; someone was going to hear about it. Rationality had taken the first car out of town the minute her phone rang that morning.  
_

_She knew she'd gone too far when she was greeted by a moment of silence__ that lasted just a little too long__. "I can't miss this party, and you __**will**__ see me before seeing your brother. I'll make sure the driver is well aware of this." Lily said in a toneless voice._

_"Fine."__ Serena spit through her tears as she slammed her phone shut. She sat hard on her stiff boa__rding sc__hool bed for the last time and let her long blond hair __shield__ her face from the world before she had to look up one more time and stare the reality of the situation right in the ugly face._

An hour and a half later and she was finally passing in to New York. Soon the serene peace of the country would fade and the concrete jungle would appear and she would be home again. And this time, everything would be different. She would make sure of that.

_Just because you grew up a girl in this world, doesn't mean that you have to let this world determine the __woman you__ are going to become._

* * *

** Chapter 1**

**There's Always That Certain Something**

There is always that certain something that reminds you of home after you've been gone for far too long, or at least when you feel like you have. For Serena, that thing was the smell of stale hot dogs, train exhaust, and leather luggage that greeted her the second she stepped off of her train and into the bustling hub of Grand Central Station.

The huge yet familiar train depot bore a startling difference to the small station in Hanover, Connecticut that was still a fresh and vivid memory, yet to be filed away with the blur of a year she was leaving behind. It was am intimate station filled with students of the elite boarding school in town and various business men and women traveling back and forth to the city for work. Bright open windows that provided a view of the small town square on one side and the greenish gold leaves of almost color changing trees on the other, allowed a crisp fall breeze to cross in between. Grand Central was big and crowded with busy city dwellers and tourists, heady and almost murky with waves of exhaust floating in from the trains on one side and the doors opening out to 42nd Street on the other. It wasn't hard for Serena to realize in which of the contrasting locations she felt more comfortable.

She was a New York City girl, born and bred. What was it they always said? _You can take the girl out of the city, but you can't take the city out of the girl._ She wasn't sure who "they" were, but "they" sure as hell knew what they were talking about. Regardless of the circumstances, she couldn't help but stop and allow a small smile to play on her lips, as she stared around the busy terminal.

Damn it was good to be home.

Her mood drifted back to sullen as she quickly glanced around and through the packs of unfamiliar people looking for a suit with a sign, or a familiar face that might belong to the driver that her mother was supposed to have sent, but she was greeted with empty glances and hurried stares. Serena sighed and grabbed the handle of her light suitcase lugging it to the stairs so she could get a better view of the station. Sometimes being almost six feet tall just didn't cut it and she was already on the edge of impatience. She'd only been in he station for two minutes, but every minute seemed like it was one longer than she should have been away from her brother.

* * *

Dan Humphrey heaved his heavy and worn, black, standard issue duffel bag off the train with one hand and grappled with his sister's even heavier bag with his other.

"Shit," he cursed as he stumbled down the last step of the train. "Tell me it was really necessary to pack eighty pairs of shoes for this trip...to Hudson...which, may I remind you, is in the middle of nowhere."

His little sister sighed her "he obviously doesn't understand the peril's of fashion" sigh, a sigh he'd heard thousands of times before; while grudgingly reminding him that a girl never knows when she'll have to look her best and yanked her suitcase back. "God Dan, have you ever thought about maybe lifting a weight instead of a pen and a cup of coffee? If you ever get a girlfriend you're going to have to be able to, you know, carry her books and stuff."

"Have you ever thought about, I don't know, maybe talking less and walking more?" Dan ribbed in reply as they wandered onto the large second floor platform of Grand Central Station.

"Dan, Jenny!" A familiar voice echoed.

"Hey, Dad!" Jenny shrieked as she spotted their father milling through the crowd, a lost look on his face.

Dan smiled and waved as he saw Rufus Humphrey, all decked out in his blue jeans and best button down "I'm an ex-rocker" shirt, light up at the sight of them.

"Hey, you made it!" Rufus grabbed them both and drew them into one of Dan's least favorite displays of affection, the dreaded group hug. However, considering he hadn't seen his dad in a whole weekend and, no matter how much he might have tried to deny it, he kind of missed him, he conceded and hugged right back with a resigned smile. In the middle of a crowded train station, without a paper bag to disguise his face, and no way to hide. Wow, he must have missed old Rufus more than even _he_ realized.

"So, how was your weekend?" Rufus asked, quickly skipping right to the dreaded question. "How's your mom?"

Dan and Jenny glanced at each other before stumbling over their replies.

"She's Fine." he said. "She's Good!" she smiled.

Dan looked at his scuffed Chuck Taylor's and cursed internally. That didn't go anything like what he and Jenny had rehearsed on the train.

"Uh, she's fine...and good," his sister stuttered uncomfortably.

Dan attempted a smooth recovery, being the slick talker that he knew he wasn't. "She's good and um, fine."

Their fathers face fell. "Like maybe I never should have left Manhattan fine or taking a time out from my marriage was the best idea I ever had fine?"

This could have gone worse Dan thought as he calculated Rufus's confused glances between Jenny and himself, but he wasn't really sure how.

"Dad, you know what? I am uh...I'm starving..." He shot quickly as he looked around to see if he'd set anything down on the busy walkway. When you're out of options, always turn to food; Rufus's favorite past time.

Dan was sure that his father said something about cooking salad and truffles or waffles or something with "...ffles" in it, he just wasn't sure what. Actually, he wasn't sure he was still breathing, though he could feel his heart pounding through his ribs. He almost dropped his heavy bag as he attempted to reach up and touch his chest to make sure the rebellious organ hadn't popped right out through his favorite striped sweater.

He knew that shining blond hair, and the tall lean body that it belonged to. He knew it, and he'd been waiting to lay eyes on it again for eight months too long. He resisted the urge to run over to her, to turn her around and kiss her with all of the passion in his body. That's what a real romantic writer would have done; someone like F. Scott Fitzgerald or Ernest Hemingway. And Dan did ever fancy himself the romantic writer, but he was no Casanova, and she didn't even know him.

Serena van der Woodsen may have been standing 5 feet before him in the flesh, looking lost and alone; but she was still a dream to him and he was pretty certain that she always would be.

He didn't know why she was back, or for how long, or even where the hell she'd been; but he took a mental picture of her in that moment, standing alone looking vulnerable and angelic with the sun shinning on her golden hair through the high windows of the terminal, to file away and write about later. It was the only way he could get close enough to feel her.


	2. Best Truths Unspoken

_**A/N ****- Thank you all so much for the reviews! Please keep them coming because it's the only thing that inspires me to keep going with this...the feeling that someone else is enjoying it besides me:) I hope you like this second chapter as I think I ended up liking it a lot better than the beginning of the story. I have decided to take it all the way through the pilot and probably end it there, unless there is a huge outcry for more.**_

_**Also, please remember, that this is my take on the way things might have happened or what Dan and Serena may have been thinking or doing. I took some liberties and such, so please don't take this as canon and bash me for it!**_

_**I am trying to update as frequently as possible, in between a full time job and other commitments. I can't promise daily updates like some people can because I just don't have time. I like to make sure that everything is just right for me and my beta before I post...but I will try to update at least once a week or every other week so don't give up on me!**_

_**Thank you SO MUCH again for**_ **every** _**review, keep 'em coming and enjoy this chapter!**_

_**XOXO**_

* * *

_**  
Best Truths Unspoken**_

Serena found her head resting against a dirty window for the second time that day. The scenery was much different this time, and the ride much less smooth. Her forehead bumped roughly against the glass several times as the driver swerved in and out of busy 3rd Avenue traffic. They passed familiar places like The Gap and Starbucks which were surrounded by tourists as usual and the driver honked at a horse drawn carriage headed for Central Park. Serena wondered when her life had gotten so screwed up in the midst of all of this normalcy. She wondered if perhaps it _had_ been for a long time and that maybe this was just the first time she'd been sober enough or old enough to realize it.

The driver slowed and turned left on to East 72nd Street and Serena lifted her heavy head off the window and looked up at the familiar doorman apartment building looming on the right. She'd spent so much time here, why did it feel like she was getting ready to walk into foreign country, one in which she didn't speak the language? Or worse, one with a firing squad ready and waiting for her to step in front of the wall. Of all the places she had imagined coming home to; this was not the one that ranked first on the list. She hadn't talked to Blair, hadn't seen her, since she'd left 8 months ago and she sure as hell wasn't ready to see her now.

What would she say? How would she explain herself?

Perhaps, if she were lucky she could find Lily and get in and out of the building before the Waldorf's even noticed her presence. If Eleanor was involved in actually planning this party, she knew the guest list would be huge. Maybe she'd be just another face in the crowd?

_Nate._

For the first time in weeks she thought about Nate.

_His hands on her bare arms, on her thighs, in her tangled hair. He's drunk. She's drunk. But they both know what they're doing._

She'd done such a good job of pushing him out of her thoughts and out of her mind, but there was no doubt he would be at this party, and there was no doubt that she could not deal with that. Not right now, and not on this day.

_His lips taste like peppermint and Champaign. She's on his lap, urging him on, pulling him closer, laughing in his ear as she comes up for air. Taking off his shirt..._

Maybe luck would _really_ be on her side and he'd be too stoned to realize she was there, it had happened before. But luck was rarely on her side these days. In fact, chances were that she'd walk into this lion's den and be ripped to shreds before she even got out of the elevator.

_What had she done?_

She couldn't remember the last time she'd been so...uncomfortable; so incredibly nervous. It wasn't a trait she wore well and she reached up to wipe a small trail of sweat from her forehead. Was it really hot in the car or was it just her? She would have given anything for a Stoli vodka tonic at that moment, but she was in the back seat of a town car trying to get to her brother, and that wasn't who she was any more.

The car lurched to a stop and her stomach rolled. She felt sick and shaky and she wasn't sure she could do this; not now.

_Remember why you're here.  
_  
She chastised herself. There was a reason for this, and it was bigger than her and Blair, bigger than her and Nate, bigger than their 16 years of history.

"112 East 72nd miss," the driver turned to inform her.

Serena smiled weakly and reached for her bag as the driver came around to open her door and a wave of cool fall air rustled her hair.

"Your bags' miss," the driver reminded her as she began to turn towards the entrance to the building.

She rummaged through her handbag for the fifty dollars she knew was close to the top. "Can you stay, just long enough for me to run up and have a word with someone?" she asked sweetly handing him the crisp bill. "It'll only take a minute and I'll be right back down."

"Never a problem for someone as pretty as yourself," his wrinkled mouth curved up in an innocent smile that she automatically returned. She may as well enjoy his kind words, no matter how much they cost her, as they would probably be the last she heard for the next several minutes.

She turned and took a deep breath of exhaust and stale city air, straightening her spine and steeling her resolve, as she turned towards the familiar doorman who escorted her through with a tip of his hat and a quiet "Miss. van der Woodsen."

* * *

Dan opened the silver laptop that he shared with Jenny and looked at the bookmarks for a site that he knew he'd seen there before. What was it..._ gossiper dot net_? _ Girlie gossip dot com_? Ah, _gossip girl dot net_, there it was. He wasn't incredibly familiar with the site beyond the passing mentions he'd overheard from the dick heads at school and the brief glimpses he'd seen when Jenny was on the computer. He wasn't just saying that to sound cool and mysterious; though it would have been awesome if he could have used it to his advantage somehow. He didn't know about it because he didn't have a reason to. He wasn't a guy that the kids at his school would talk about. Dan Humphrey the smart, completely un-rich, writer kid was no fodder for gossip. Hell, the most exciting thing he'd done in the past year was skip school one day and hop a train to Connecticut to meet Vanessa half way for a movie and 5 shitty cups of coffee. In fact, he was pretty sure that the majority of the kids at school didn't even know his name. And he definitely didn't like any of them enough to want to read gossip about their ridiculously pampered lives. But, Serena was back and now all of the rules had changed. He knew that if anyone was talking about why she was back and for how long, he'd find it on that site. 

He clicked on the bookmarked link and checked over his shoulder to make sure that no one was spying on his ridiculous research session. Their fat, hairy, and lazy cat Marx flicked his puffy tail back and forth in an aggravated rhythm and looked at Dan accusingly from behind the computer.

"Don't look at me like that fucker. I mean, if you could talk to this girl...if you could _see_ her, you'd be trying to type the web address in with those huge, hairy paws yourself okay? So give me a freaking break." Dan huffed to the half asleep cat, or no one in particular really. It was somehow easier to justify doing something that was borderline creepy, like semi-stalking a girl who didn't know you, if you had someone to insult in the process.

_  
Hey Upper East Siders,  
Gossip Girl here, and I have the.biggest.news._**_ever_**_. One of my many sources, _**_melanie91_**_, sends us this:_

_Spotted at Grand Central, bags in hand, **Serena van der Woodsen**. Wasn't it only a year ago that our IT girl disappeared for "boarding school?" And just as suddenly, she's back! Don't believe me? See for yourselves. Lucky for us, _**_melanie91_**_ sent proof. Thanks for the photo _**_mel_**_:-)_

_blah, blah, blah, blah, blah_

_Word is..._**_S_**_ bailed on _**_B's_**_ party in under 90 seconds and didn't even have one Lemoncello. Has our bad girl really gone good, or is it all just part of the act? Why'd she leave? Why'd she return? Send me all the deets! And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell...the only one!_  
_XOXO_  
_-**Gossip Girl**_

Dan skimmed through all the bits about names he didn't recognize, which basically consisted of every name on the page, except one. He read the news, or lack there of, three times and scrolled back up to the picture of Serena. He'd talked to her twice in his entire life. Once at a party he wasn't actually, intentionally, invited to and once as she was about to get plowed over by a cab outside of an empty bar on Bleecker Street in the West Village on_ Thanksgiving_ of all days. Neither conversation had lasted longer than two minutes, but they were long enough for him to etch the details of her into his mind.

The blue eyes staring out from the other side of the computer monitor were different. They were sadder, older, probably wiser, and far more beautiful than he remembered and he remembered quite well. This wasn't the same girl that he fell in love with (Or was it lust? He wasn't sure exactly, but two years was an awful long time for something as petty as puppy love wasn't it?) when he was a freshman at St. Jude's. This girl had a different air about her, less confident but more capable. Determined and vulnerable and for the first time since the day that he'd noticed her; completely and utterly alone. Everything about this new girl made him fall even more in love with the enigma than he had ever been before.

Marx's tail brushed his nose as the cat pawed around the computer screen and Dan sneezed; shaking himself out of his reverie.

He shook his head and laughed bitterly. "What the fuck are you doing Humphrey?"

He took one last look at the picture of the new Serena before he closed the site and shut the computer. The coffee left in his mug was bitter and cold, but that didn't stop him from sipping it as he tried to think of all of the other things he should be doing besides obsessing over a girl that was so far out of his league that he may as well have been a t-baller attempting to play for the Yankees. In fact, wasn't he in the middle of writing a story right now?

Yes, damn straight he was. He grabbed his black notebook and his favorite pen and headed towards his dimly lit room with a new found purpose.

He was in the middle of a kick ass (and possibly slightly sappy, but he was a romantic at heart and he wasn't ashamed to admit it) story about a beautiful, blond girl that had been displaced and had lost her identity only to stumble upon a quiet and brilliant master of literature in a small French village who was intent on reintroducing her to society and reminding her how to love. He was his own worst critic, but he was pretty sure that this was his best bit of creative writing yet, by far.

* * *

She could hear them whispering around her. It wasn't like they were being particularly quiet. Subtlety wasn't their strong suit. When they talked about you, they wanted you to know that they knew your business even if most of the time they knew nothing of the sort. 

"I heard she was pregnant," a high pitched female voice whispered. "Was forced to give the baby up for adoption because it was born addicted to heroin."

"The van der Woodsen girl just got out of rehab you know, and not for what you might think either," a lower pitched woman stated. "She was doing double time for alcohol AND cocaine. When they brought her in she didn't even know who she was or what she was doing. She killed a person while driving a car under the influence, that's how bad it was."

_Bullshit. This is not worth it. Some things never change._

"That's not what happened at all," a feminine tinged male voice chimed in. "She married her drug counselor who was 25 years older and Lily kicked her out to live with her religious grandparents in Wyoming after forcing her to divorce. Guess she got straightened out. She looks good."

Wow, she was no saint, but she had no idea she was a drug addicted, married and immediately divorced, teenage mother with an alcohol problem. She didn't even know she had grandparents in Wyoming. So many familiar faces belonging to people she obviously didn't know at all. If the situation weren't so sad, and her reason for being home so serious, she might have laughed at this. How interesting and tragic they wanted her life to be. How disappointed they would feel if they took the time to realize who she really was.

She scanned the enormous and crowded room for the familiarly tall and lanky frame of her mother as she attempted to block out the hurtful chatter drumming in her ears and resisted the urge to throw her hands up and cover over them like a 5 year old in the middle of a temper tantrum.

Eleanor had redecorated, again. It seemed she was second only to Serena's own mother in the unstated but eternally existent Upper East Side competition to see who could redecorate more.

There was Captain Archibald talking business with several other well groomed men in Prada and Armani.

She spotted Chuck Bass sitting on a love seat between Kati Farkas and Isabelle Coates swirling ice in his half empty glass of scotch and averted her eyes in the opposite direction.

"Serena van der Woodsen?" A familiar voice chirped behind her. "Is that you?"

_Shit._

She plastered on her best smile before turning to great "dressed to the nines in pieces from her latest line" Eleanor Waldorf.

"It is," she grinned stupidly. This is exactly what she had hoped _wouldn't_ happen. She had definitely not brought her social A game today. "Have you seen-"

"Where did Blair wander off to? She will be _so_ thrilled to see you."

_Shit, shit, shit._

And no she wouldn't.

"-my mom?" Serena finished even though Eleanor was already flitting down the hall towards Blair's rooming calling out to her daughter as she went.

She turned and walked as quickly as she could into the parlor. The smell of the three tables of food was making her even more nauseated than she felt a few minutes before and she choked back the urge to cover her mouth and run for the bathroom.

"...it clashes with my sofa." She overheard her mother laugh in a fake trill. Dressed in a sleek black gown with her hair pulled back in a tight bun, Lily van der Woodsen looked as beautiful as ever, and for a moment Serena forgot why she was upset with her mother to begin with. All she wanted was to run into her mom's arms and go home.

"Mom," She interrupted. "Mom, hey."

Lily turned and looked almost surprised to see her. "Ah, Serena darling!" Her mother exclaimed drawing her into a poised hug.

This wasn't exactly the kind of embrace Serena had longed for in that moment of nostalgia, but then perhaps she should have expected as much. That moment was gone like a leaf on the wind before it even settled to the ground.

"It's good to see you," she said sadly, and it was.

"So, um...where is he?"

She had expected to see her brother at the party, or to hear he was hanging out at their suite in The Palace. She figured that was why her mom had wanted to see her, so she could be informed of where he was and how he was doing. The reality of the situation, and of her mother's hand in it, didn't seem to want to sink in.

Lily's mortified and slightly confused look was all it took to push reality into the quicksand. No one knew about this, and she wanted to keep it that way.

Serena glanced around, "They haven't let him out yet?"

"No, lets not discuss that right now okay?" Lily half whispered as she squeezed her hands tightly. A warning. Was she serious? "I thought you might want to see some of your friends."

_Fucking shit._

She smiled ironically. "Thanks."

And just like that, there was Nate. Exactly the same as he'd looked 8 months ago. The lopsided grin of his boyish smile, long legs and broad shoulders, shaggy light brown hair, handsome as ever Nate. And he actually looked happy to see her. Oh, what she wouldn't have given to have someone to support her. The only thing she could do to keep herself from running into his familiar embrace was drop her head and pray that he would disappear.

_His hair smells like sandalwood and smoke, the third bottle of Champaign is making her head swim and her legs feel tingly. All she wants to do is to devour him, to see what she's been missing. All she wants is to pull him just a little closer. She unzips his pants..._

Serena looked up again as a brown door opened, a heaven sent interruption, blocking his smiling face and her awkward avoidance of irreversible mistakes.

Saved by the Blair.

_Dammit to hell._

She looked down wondering how this quick stop had turned into such an ordeal and cursed her mother for forcing her through it when she wasn't ready. All she wanted to do was find out how Eric was. She immediately recognized Blair's fake smile. She had known her too well and for too long to not pick up the little nuances of her friend's face.

Blair looked thinner than she remembered, but as beautiful as ever, dressed in black from head to toe as if she were on her way to the fanciest funeral the city had ever seen.

Before Serena could even explain herself, Blair drew her into an almost too tight hug. "Hi, Serena, it's _so_ good to see you!"

"How are you?" She half mumbled into her friend's dark hair. "It's good to see you."

Blair grabbed her hand forcefully and dragged her towards the hall. "Come, we're about to have dinner."

"Um..." She tried to break in. This was all happening so fast, like a whirlwind. Perhaps she'd been out of the city for too long. She couldn't keep her head above water long enough to get out of the shark infested ocean.

"I'll set you a place at the table next to Blair," Eleanor exclaimed as Blair continued to pull her down the hall.

Serena finally broke free of Blair's iron grasp and spun around with resolve. She had to get out of this apartment, she was suffocating. "Yeah, actually, um...there's somewhere I have to go." She stuttered.

"You're leaving?" Blair asked icily, that stupid fake smile still plastered on her lips.

She was grasping at straws now, looking for an escape, any escape.

"Yeah, I uh, I don't feel well," and she most certainly didn't. "I just wanted to come by and uh, say hi. I'll see you at school tomorrow?" She stumbled without a breath.

For someone as talented at being the center of attention as she was, she sure was acting like an idiot. However, it seemed that the faster she could spit the words out the less likely anyone could stop her or question her. The sooner she could get out and actually breathe.

And just like that, Serena turned her back on her oldest friend again as she continued to stand there smiling that fake Blair Waldorf smile that said "I'm tolerating you because we're in public, but when we're alone I will rip you to shreds."

_School tomorrow._

She would cross that bridge when she came to it if she wasn't pushed off before.

* * *

Dan sighed and shut the book he was half reading, setting it on the cluttered bedside table to his left. He'd attempted to start _Hail and Farewell_ by George Moore for the third time that night but he'd had trouble remembering anything past the first sentence so he finally gave up. 

A siren blared outside of his open window and he got up and slammed it shut before flopping lazily back onto his bed and throwing his hands behind his head with restless frustration.

"Whas wrong wiff you?" Jenny slurred through the toothbrush in her mouth as she swung her head around the wall beside the open garage door that connected their rooms. "Ftill thinkin' 'bout Ferena van der 'oodsen?"

He half smiled and rubbed at his face. "Not that it's any of your business, but no, I'm not."

Of _course_ he was.

"You're right. It's none of my business." She conceded taking the toothbrush out of her mouth and sitting on the chair beside his desk. "But if it _were_ my business...which it isn't, I _might_ tell you that maybe you should try to talk to her now that she's back. You know, if one were to overlook all of your many faults, you're actually not a half bad guy. Maybe she'd even think you were kind of cute and charming in a geeky sort of way, though I can't imagine why."

Dan covered his head with a pillow. "Has anyone ever told you that you are not only completely nosy, but also _completely_ unhelpful?"

His sister smiled at him before shoving the toothbrush back in her mouth. "Look at it thif way; what haff you got to loof? It'f not like you'ff got any friendf anyway."

He pulled the pillow from his eyes and glared at her.

"I'm going, I'm going." She said as she backed out. "Juft, I don't know, fink about it."

"Shut the door on your way out, Doctor Phil." he griped, yanking the pillow down and welcoming the darkness it brought with it.

He heard the door being pulled down and it hit the ground with a bang, a familiar sound, a sure sign that he now had his privacy to sulk in peace.

Maybe Jenny was right. He really didn't have anything to lose.

"Nothing except my last shred of dignity and the dream girl." he mumbled into the pillow.

Weighing the options, maybe that didn't sound so bad.

_Better to have loved and have lost..._

He pictured how it might happen; how he might sweep in and be the white knight to Serena's royal beauty.

_  
It would be a fancy party, one that he obviously wasn't invited to. He would find out about it from his sister because, even though she was never invited either, she always seemed to know the when and where. He would take his savings, what little he had left from working his summer job as the bus boy at the coffee shop on the corner and buy a crisp designer suit; with pin stripes. He would definitely go with the pin stripes. He would get to the party and they would deny him entrance due to his lack of invitation and his total Upper East Side anonymity, but with some smooth talking and a little fancy footwork he would sneak in the door and waltz in like he owned the place. He would see her by the band, probably requesting her favorite indie song so she could drown out the noise and get lost in the music. He knew, at heart, she was a romantic just like him._

_She would be beautiful, with her shiny, blond hair waving softly down her back and a figure hugging black dress that brought out what remained of her summer tan and her blue eyes. She would be wearing a smile for her snotty friends, but her eyes would be sad, waiting...waiting for something. Waiting for him? He would walk over to the bar as the crowd parted and made way for him in his sharp pin striped suit and he would take three red roses from a fancy vase (that they would pronounce VOZ) without a word to anyone. He would hear them talking behind his back._

_"Who _is _he?" "I don't know, I've never laid eyes on him before unfortunately." "Yeah, I would remember a guy like him if I'd seen him."_

_He was a man on a mission, a man of mystery. He would glide over to Serena who had her eyes shut as she swayed to the slow song, oblivious to the world until he grabbed her arm and spun her around to look her in the eyes. He would hand her the roses and she would lightly touch his face and say "I've been waiting for you."_

_"I've been dreaming of you," He would tell her, inches from her mouth as he bent her down and kissed her so passionately she would lose her breath._

And the rest would obviously be history.

Or a _very_ bad Lifetime movie.

* * *

The center was sterile; similar to a hospital but much less active. Perhaps that was because it was 9 o'clock at night before Serena actually made it to the Ostroff Center, but she was there and right now that was all that mattered. Visiting hours ended at eight, but she was family, and she was used to getting what she wanted. She'd made it this far and no one was going to stop her from getting into his room at this point. 

She rounded the last corner on the left. Room 421, that's what she'd been looking for.

"Young lady, you can't be here," The night nurse stated kindly from behind her desk as Serena rushed past. "Visiting hours are over."

"I'm family," she responded sadly, assuming this was excuse enough for her to break the rules and the nurse didn't dispute that.

Finally, she thought she'd never make it, there he was. He looked so small lying in the tiny bed in the center of the large room. Her little brother had always seemed so big to her, so much older and definitely wiser than she'd ever been. Her protector and comforter, her cornerstone and moral compass, and her one source of stability in their ever changing world. And there he was lying helpless, swallowed by a huge impersonal room, alone. This was her fault, how could it not be when she had a brilliant way of screwing up almost everything she touched? She'd left when he needed her the most because she'd done something selfish and stupid and once again he was paying for the mistakes that she and Lily made.

_Not any more, and never again._

"He's my brother."

But this wasn't her brother. This wasn't her brother at all.


	3. Denial and City Bus Schedules

_**A/N - You know, I don't have many readers with this story, which has turned into a huge labor of love, so I want to give a special thank you to each and everyone of you who has stuck with me, and left reviews, because this has come to mean a lot to me and each review that you leave means even more. So THANK YOU! Please keep reading, and keep reviewing, and I'm gonna keep writing! Sorry for the time between updates, but I'm trying to get a full act done for each chapter that I write.**_

_**Because of the way that this story is written, and for the purpose of telling the story that I want to tell, there are many lines of dialog that have been taken straight from the Pilot of Gossip Girl. I do not have any rights to this material, nor do I claim to own it, or the characters involved. It all belongs to someone else and they do it better than I ever could.**_

_**Also, keep in mind that just because some of the dialog is taken from the episode, that doesn't mean that a lot of thought hasn't gone in to what I have written on top of that and regarding the thoughts involved and internal dialog with the characters. I thought this would be easier to write than some of the other stories I've written due to that fact, but it's actually made it harder, so the fact that the few of you **_**are**_** reading and reviewing means even **_**more**_**. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!**_

* * *

_**Denial and City Bus Schedules**__**  
**_

_She awoke with a start, heart fluttering and breath ragged, and she sat up to take in her familiar surroundings. She looked around at the antique wood patterned walls and the ornately designed ceilings of her room at Hanover Academy. There were items of clothing strewn around haphazardly as usual. Shoes and scarves, her uniform skirt and white tuxedo blouse, her favorite Diane von Furstenberg shift dress and matching Sigerson Morrison ankle boots. The sun shone through the window and she could see the great, green lawn sparkling with dew. She rubbed her eyes with her bony fists and looked at her alarm clock. 2:35 AM stared back at her in flashing red digital letters and she looked around again as confusion clouded her thoughts._

_It was morning, the sun was shining, and it was only 2:35 AM? Maybe she'd set her clock wrong and it was really 2:35 in the afternoon, which meant that she'd missed her morning classes. And dammit, she'd been doing so good. She threw her covers off and sat up on her stiff bed. It was unusually hot in her room for a cold Connecticut winter day and she smelled something that didn't fit in. Smoke maybe? Was someone smoking or burning brush in the woods?_

_She walked out into the long, empty hall and she noticed that it really was still dark outside. She could see the moon shining through the large window at the end of her hall. The corridor was empty and the entire building was quiet except for the occasional creek of the 150 year old structure settling in it's foundation. She could still smell the smoke, but now she felt cold and she hugged herself tightly, rubbing her hands up and down her arms for friction._

_None of this made any sense. Granted, she'd had a hard time sleeping at boarding school, but she'd never woken up in the middle of the night quite so confused. Not since she'd given up drinking and the occasional drug use and that had been months, almost a year, ago._

_She padded along the hall and down the great stairs to the common area on the ground floor and she saw the flickering and glowing orange and yellow light dancing on the dark wooden walls. It looked like fire._

_Fire!_

_Maybe that's why she'd been so confused about it being daylight outside. She ran around the corner into the library and saw the flames licking at the wall, burning the books, and spreading so quickly she had to back out or be consumed by them herself._

_All of the sudden the fire was all around her as she frantically looked around for an escape. The great oak doors were in front of her, only about twenty feet away. She could make it to them if she ran now._

_"Serena! Serena, you have to help me. I'm trapped up here!" She heard a familiar voice calling from behind her. She looked up to the balcony of the stairs she had just run down and saw Blair leaning over the railing._

_Before she even had time to act, she heard another familiar voice coming from the opposite direction. "Serena, I can't get out of this room!"_

_Eric was stuck behind the pool table in the game room and the flames were licking around his small body as he spoke._

_The two people most dear to her heart, both trapped, as the fire raged around them. She possibly had time to get to one of them, and only one, before the building would fall around them and swallow them as it burned to the ground._

_She looked up at Blair, her dearest friend...her sister, and Blair's familiar soft voice called out from above her, heavy with emotion. "How could you leave me? How could you leave me after everything we've been through?"_

_She looked down at her bare feet as the flames crawled closer to her shaking body and she stepped back, closer to the door, closer to her brother whom she loved with all of her heart._

_He looked at her with hollow, vacant eyes. He was definitely staring directly at her, but he didn't act like he saw her at all. It was getting hotter and hotter and she could feel herself beginning to panic._

_Save one and lose the other._

"Serena," Her brother's calm voice broke through her dark dream. "Serena."

He shook her hand and she slowly opened her eyes to the bright morning light of Eric's large, impersonal room at the Ostroff Center, her mind slowly shaking the haze of the familiar nightmare she'd been suffering every night for the past 72 hours.

She hadn't been able to drag herself away from the center after she'd finally arrived. The thought of leaving him alone in that room at night was more than she could bear, so she had settled herself on the soft love seat with a blanket and her worn copy of _Pride and Prejudice_ by Jane Austen (her favorite book). She'd watched her little brother sleeping soundly and peacefully for at least an hour and finally began to read at chapter 4, where a tattered photo of her, Blair, and Nate was marking her place.

_When Jane and Elizabeth were alone, the former, who had been cautious in her praise of Mr. Bingley before, expressed to her sister how very much she admired him.  
"He is just what a young man ought to be,'' said she, "sensible, good humored, lively; and I never saw such happy manners! -- so much ease, with such perfect good breeding!''_

And that was all she remembered before she'd apparently fallen into a deep and fitful sleep on the couch that was _much_ too short for her lanky, five foot and eleven inch frame. She shifted uncomfortably as she attempted to convince her stiff limbs to sit up and finally allow her to embrace her little brother.

"Hey," She replied with a groggy smile. "Hey, how are you?"

She shifted to his bed and wrapped her arm tightly around his shoulder. He was thin, too thin, and she could feel his shoulder blades poking into her arm through her sleeve. He was pale and his complexion was sallow, and the bandages wrapped around his small wrists unnerved her more than they should have considering the fact that she thought she had fully prepared herself for his condition. She choked back her natural reaction to touch his wrists and wallow in her own self pity over the fact that she hadn't been there for him and attempted to regain her composure and make this reunion as normal as possible, for his sake.

Eric grinned a melancholy smile "You know, I've been better."

"Eric, I know I've been a terrible sister...I'm just _so_ happy to see you" She mumbled guiltily as she pulled him into a hug that she didn't want to break.

He sighed sadly, she had never seen him so down in the fourteen years that he'd been alive. "Must be a lot of rumors as to why you're back."

Maybe he'd been this sad for a long time and she'd just been to drunk or selfish to notice it. She thought back to the days before she left and cursed herself for not paying more attention and being too wrapped up in her own damn mistakes to notice anyone else's feelings, even her own little brother's.

"Yeah, but none of them mention you." She shook her head reassuringly.

"Just like Mom wants huh?" He smiled ironically, and a bit bitterly she noticed. He may have looked more unhealthy than he had before she left, but Serena couldn't help but notice how handsome he was becoming. Noble and brooding, with soft features and caring blue eyes.

"What do I want, baby? For Serena to sleep in her own bed...possibly wearing pajamas," Lily joked lightly as she strode airily into the room looking like she'd just walked out of a salon appointment at Elizabeth Arden.

Serena turned to meet her mother's familiar gaze and realized again how happy she was to see her, even as she bit back the anger left over from yesterday's ordeal and her brother's obvious hurt.

"Morning Mom. Hey, I was just about to ask the doctor if I could take Eric to breakfast. Wanna come?" She asked jovially. She had missed her mother. She'd missed them both. She just wanted everything to go back to normal; to pretend none of this had happened. She had to start somewhere and this seemed as good a time as any.

Lily avoided her gaze, looking down, at the walls, the stiff Berber carpet, any place but at Serena and definitely not at Eric. Serena could tell that this was a dance well rehearsed between them both and she was just being swept up into the routine.

"Um, no. I think what I'll do is go get him a croissant down the street." her mother said, shaking her elegant blond head.

And just like that, Serena's sleepy resolve broke with a snap and she jumped up after her mom who was already halfway out the door as Eric protested behind her.

"Let me guess, you told everyone that Eric's just visiting Grandpa in Rhode Island," Serena snapped when she met her mom in the hall. She crossed her thin arms over her chest in defiance as Lily turned to take in her outburst.

"Your Aunt Carol in Miami," She replied without hesitation or shame.

Serena smiled bitterly. "So, you're actually hiding him," The confirmation of her fears glaring back at her like a caged dog. "He tries to take his own life and you're worried it's going to cost you mom of the year?"

"Serena, you have been gone, doing who knows what, with _GOD_ knows who," Lily stared her down with fire in her eyes.

Serena met her match for match. "I _told_ you, boarding school was _not_ like that." She was a different person now and she would make her mother see that no matter what it took.

"You know what? As happy as I am to have you home, you have NO idea what it's been like." Lily choked.

For the first time since she'd been home, Serena saw something that she'd missed before. Behind the anger in her mother's words she saw hurt. Hurt and fear, and in that moment she realized that maybe she'd been looking so intently,_ expecting_ some kind of selfish motives from her mom regarding what had happened to Eric due to her OWN fear, that she hadn't given any thought to how it might have affected her mom at all.

Her posture went lax as guilt overwhelmed her. How could she have assumed so much about a situation that she obviously knew nothing about? _She_ hadn't even been there for either of them.

Serena choked back the urge to let the tears escape her eyelids and shifted her blue eyes away from her mother's uncomfortably as Lily turned her back and swiftly walked towards the elevator that would take her out into the busy morning streets and away from the lingering tension and sadness of their morning wake up call.

She hastily pushed a stay strand of dirty blond hair behind her ear as she turned back to her brother who had only watched the display with resignation as if he had just been waiting for the moment that it would inevitably happen.

"She feels like it's her fault you know," He said matter-of-factly; as he reached over to take a drink of the water sitting on his bedside table.

Serena sighed as she gathered her small stash of belongings, hastily shoving them into her handbag. "Well, maybe it is."

Eric smiled at her and bent down to pick up her old book. "_Pride and Prejudice_ again huh? Don't you ever get tired of that book?"

"No, I guess I don't. It makes me feel good; I don't know why," She smiled taking the well loved volume from her brother's hand. "She's not acting guilty you know. She's _acting_ like a selfish bitch."

Eric laughed lightly as he sat back down on his bed. "God, I've missed you Serena."

For the first time since she'd found him in this room, a small spark of happiness flickered across his face and she knew that she had done the right thing by coming back. She knew that maybe, they could survive this.

"She doesn't mean it. Well, maybe she does. This whole situation is so completely messed up. I don't know any more." He rambled; letting out fears and frustrations that he'd obviously been holding in for far too long.

"Sometimes she acts embarrassed. Some times she acts angry, like I've screwed up her entire life and the great Lily van der Woodsen 'social empire' has just crumbled at her feet," he said with air quotes. "And sometimes, she won't even look at me when she's here and I don't know what to do. I don't know what _I've _done or how I got to this place."

Serena sat down so closely to her brother that she was almost in his lap and wrapped both arms around him as tightly as she could and he went limp. She leaned her forehead against his soft hair.

"I'm back now," She whispered. "You're going to be okay. _We're_ going to be okay."

She kissed his head lightly, breathing in the familiar clean, woody scent of his hair, making sure that he was still real, still her little brother.

They _would_ be okay. She _was_ back and she wasn't going anywhere and she would protect him.

It was time for a new beginning...for them all.

* * *

Dan whistled along to the Jimmy Eat World song that was wafting quietly from his iPod speakers as he buttoned up his piss yellow St. Jude's uniform shirt and looked himself over carefully in Jenny's full length mirror. He hadn't put this much effort into his appearance since...well, ever. But his school backed straight up to Constance Billard, the girl's school that Jenny went to...along with certain tall, beautiful, blond haired juniors. And, well, things had changed and he never knew who he might run into crossing the courtyard or going to the library...or hovering around outside, close to the door to the girls hall, when classes changed.

He ran his hand through his freshly cut short hair. It was a little _too_ short for his liking, but his mom had semi-forced him to get it trimmed when they had visited her in Hudson over the weekend complaining that it was "long and scraggly and made him look like a hobo, like his father."

He smiled at himself in the mirror and rubbed his index finger across his freshly brushed front teeth listening to the sharp squeaking sound the contact made.

"Can you still feel the butterflies, can you still hear the last good-byes..." he attempted to sing in an off key falsetto as he grabbed his tie and swung it around his neck.

Marx was on the bookshelf over his bed gnawing on his oldest copy of _The Sorrows of Young Werther_ by Goethe, his all time favorite book.

"Dammit Marx," he cried running over and swatting the huge cat away. "How is it that you always pick my best shit when you want to ruin something? You're a damn cat!"

Marx waddled out of his room with a satisfied trot.

"That cat is out to get me, I swear," Dan grumbled as he threw the book into his tan school bag and finished tying his maroon and yellow tie.

He could smell bacon and his stomach growled. Realizing how completely famished he was, he turned to follow the path of the scent _completely_ forgetting about his _completely_ validated anger at the asshole cat.

"Guess who's dad is cool?" Rufus bellowed as Dan strolled out of his room while anally straightening his tie.

Jenny sat at the bar licking some kind of envelope with her perfectly artistic calligraphy scrawled across it. "It's a trick question," She mumbled.

"Yeah, because it can't be ours," Dan laughed. Even though, as far as dads were concerned, he thought his was pretty much kick ass when it came to the cool department. Rufus Humphrey used to be in a semi-popular rock band, so on a scale of one to ten as far as coolness of parents went; he and Jenny could have been a lot worse off. Most of the time.

Rufus laughed as he grabbed a large magazine from the beaten up kitchen counter. "Look at this." He declared proudly, handing the publication to Dan.

Rolling Stone? His dad was in Rolling Stone? Fuck yes, he and Jenny could have been much worse off in the parental coolness department!

"Top ten forgotten bands of the nineties..." Dan trailed off. Well, maybe Rufus wasn't that cool after all.

His dad pointed proudly at the magazine cover. "Yeah, check out who's number nine."

"He's very proud," Jenny ribbed as she continued stuffing her envelopes into a box on the counter.

Dan laughed handing the prized possession back to his dad. "Heh...Hey, way to be forgotten!"

"Well, that's how you get remembered," Rufus asserted in attempt to defend his honor and the honor of his beloved Lincoln Hawk.

"Maybe you'd care if Dad's band was on Gossip Girl," Jenny bratted.

Dan almost dropped the glass he was pouring orange juice into as the realization hit him that his secret mission had been anything but.

"What?" he asked; horrified at the completely not false accusation coming from his innocent little sister's big, fat, nosy mouth. "I don't read Gossip Girl. Th-That's for chicks."

_Obviously._

"So that wasn't you I saw in front of the laptop last night reading all about Serena van der Woodsen?" Jenny persisted as she kept stuffing those damn envelopes.

Dan was desperate for a way out of this conversation that was making him look like the pathetic stalker that he maybe, kind of, _was_.

"So, um, Rolling Stone...Wow," He chattered excitedly grabbing the magazine back from Rufus in a lame attempt to change the subject. "Let me take a look at this again Dad. It's very cool."

He heard Jenny giggle and resisted the urge to punch her in the face and instead focused his energy on pretending to be interested in his dad's lame ass article and the exceptional bacon and eggs sitting in front of him.

"Lincoln Hawk, number nine." He read from the table of contents praying for the attention to shift off of him.

"Hey, what are you working on?" Rufus asked Jenny.

Ah, someone upstairs must have been looking out for him. The day was suddenly off to a fantastic start!

Jenny stuffed another envelope proudly. "It's called the **Kiss on the Lips** party. Everyone's going." She stated smugly.  
_  
What the hell?  
_  
Did his ears deceive him?

"You were invited to that?" Dan scowled.

_He_ was a junior and he had never intentionally been invited to _any_ party, not that he wanted to go, but it would have been nice to have been invited. So he could have turned the invitee down in a completely non-interested and cool way. Then they would have finally realized that some people have way better ways to spend their time than getting drunk and high in shoes that cost more than a years worth of college tuition.

Jenny glared at him, obviously insulted by his ignorance.

"Well, no offense if I sound surprised, since _I've_ never been invited." he stated nonchalantly as he shuffled through the magazine paying no attention to what was on the pages and pretending not to be offended.

Jenny held up one of the disgustingly pink cards with her artistic penmanship scrawled all over the front proudly. "One of the girls in my art class saw my calligraphy and she said that if I addressed all the invitations then I could have one," his little sister rambled giddily.

"Sounds very fair. Sweatshops could learn a thing or two." Rufus droned in his best political platform voice. Dan and Jenny had been hearing arguments similar to this all of their lives.

Jenny huffed as she put another of her artistic masterpieces into the box to her right. "Dad, this is not a platform for one of your anti-capitalist rants."

"Yes it is," He whined as if it should be completely obvious.

Jenny cut him off mid-sentence. "Besides, you _make_ us go to private schools."

"That's for your education," Rufus said seriously as he rattled around the kitchen.

Jenny scowled like the fourteen year old teenage girl she was so good at being as Dan sipped his orange juice in amusement. He was just glad the conversation had shifted from his new obsessive past time habit to Jenny's.

"So you want us to be anonymous losers who eat lunch alone and never get invited to parties?" she argued.

That idea sounded like perfection to Dan and he didn't hesitate to poke a hole in his sister's happy balloon just so he could watch it deflate. "Works for me."

He picked up the salt and shook some of the small crystals on to his eggs, over-easy, just the way he liked them.

"Besides, Mom thinks it's a good idea," Jenny continued bravely.

Dan stopped in his tracks. Jenny knew better than to press _that_ hot button around their Dad and she'd just pounded it with both fists. He looked back and forth from his annoying sister to his rattled father waiting for the bomb to drop.

"And her judgment is _always_ sound right?" Rufus said angrily before taking a long sip of steaming hot coffee out of a mug...made by their mother ironically enough.

Dan stuffed a huge bite of egg in his mouth as he watched the awkward stand-off taking place in front of him. If he weren't in such a hurry, this would have been fantastic morning entertainment.

Jenny scowled as she persisted with her envelopes never taking her eyes off of Rufus and Dan stuffed an entire piece of bacon into his mouth.

"Jenny, if you want to go to that party...you should go," His dad conceded smiling.

Yeah, Rufus Humphrey was a pretty damn cool Dad.

He grinned at them both before turning to wander back to his kitchen hijinks. "You kids could use some fun."

Was he on drugs? On what alternate universe did he think a party like that would be considered fun?

Dan looked at Jenny and she smiled back proudly. She'd won her battle this morning and he had to admit, he was kind of impressed with her though he couldn't for the life of him figure out why is little sister wanted to hang out with the pricks that they went to school with in her free time.

He crammed his last egg into his mouth and stood up to take his plate over to the cluttered sink. "So, you really want to go to that stupid party?"

Jenny looked at him as if he were the dumbest person to ever walk the face of the earth, or West End Avenue at least. "You're kidding right?"

"I mean, you're so much cooler than those kids. Why do you want to spend time with them when you don't have to?" He asked her as he leaned his elbow on the counter and downed what was left of his orange juice.

"You're serious," Jenny smiled in awe. "Are you sure we're even related?"

Dan laughed and shook his head as he picked up the last envelope and stuffed it for her. "I could only be so lucky. Come on little Miss. Big Deal, we're going to be seriously late."

He shuffled quickly in to his room to grab his messenger bag and the damn scratchy, navy blazer that completed his preppy private school boy look as Jenny called out behind him. "I'll just see you at school sometime. I have something to do."

He was running way too late to even attempt to care what she was up to at this point and there was not a whole lot that Dan Humphrey hated more in life than being late to school. Being late meant walking in when everyone else was already seated which meant being the center of attention. And the one thing that Dan hated more than being late was being the center of attention.

* * *

Serena hurried down Madison Avenue, cursing herself for wearing boots with such high heals. She could feel blisters forming on her little toes with each step she took.

She was going to be late for school, though she'd had plenty of time when she first woke up, her morning hadn't exactly gone according to plan. It was now 7:28 exactly, she noticed as she glanced at her silver Cartier watch for the fifth time in the past two minutes. That left her a half an hour to shower, get dressed, and make herself look half way presentable before catching a cab to Constance for, what she was sure, would be a heartwarming reunion with her old friends and classmates; if by heartwarming she meant completely vicious and unwelcoming.

She was trying to think positive, but knowing this world like she did, and having had the time to think about it from the outside at Hanover; she was expecting the worst.

Deciding to walk from the center to the hotel wasn't proving to be one of her most well thought out decisions, but she needed the air, and the familiar street teeming with people and taxi's had a calming effect on her and she was desperate for calm.

She breathed a sigh of relief as she came to the wrought iron front gates of the familiar Palace and slowed her gait in attempt to relieve her throbbing toes. She'd gotten ready for school in less time than this before on many occasions. Of course, on those occasions she hadn't been returning (by no choice of the school's) from a year long absence. She was living on borrowed time at Constance and best behavior wasn't optional, it was necessary.

She stared at the ground in front her as she took baby steps into the courtyard, careful to avoid any possible thing that might aggravate her already swollen feet.

She barely looked up in time to avoid running into a boy standing with a nervous slouch. A boy with a sharp navy blazer and shaggy, sandy blonde hair.

"Nate?" She asked in shock as she came to a sudden stop in front of him. She would know that frame anywhere.

"Oh hey!" he exclaimed with a wide, nervous grin as he fidgeted with his maroon St. Jude's tie. "uh, Your mom told me you guys were staying here at The Palace."

What the hell was he doing there at 7:30 in the morning, on a school day no less?

She glanced him over quickly, never leaving her eyes in one place long enough to cause notice. "Yeah, we're renovating again. You know my mom, if it's not broke, break it."

Serena laughed awkwardly, taking in the passing traffic and people as an uncomfortable silence settled between them. Actually, uncomfortable was putting it _way_ too mildly.

Nate chuckled with that damn lopsided grin that she avoided like the plague. It's effect on her was too fresh in her memory to spend any amount of time at all lingering on it.

He looked at his scuffed shoes. She adjusted the strap of her bag. They both hoped for something to break the silence, and they stared at each other for what she assumed had to be about 18 and a half hours.

Torture would have been more enjoyable.

This was ridiculous. If she was back, and she was, and if she was going to make this work, and she wanted to; then Nate had to know that she was done. Done being Serena van der Woodsen, world class partier and socialite, drunk flaky blonde, has sex with her best friend's boyfriend, completely care free girl. He had to know where she stood, and who she was. He had to know now.

Serena took a deep breath. "What are you doing here?"

He seemed to be prepared for her first round of questioning and didn't hesitate with a reply. "Oh, I just wanted to see how you were. You seemed kind of upset last night."

No, no, that wasn't how he was supposed to answer, not like he cared about her feelings. He was supposed to say something completely terrible, and piggish, like "I just came over for a morning quickie." or "Has anyone told you what a complete bitch you are for leaving?"

He may have been prepared, but she wasn't. Not for this.

"I-I've gotta get going and change for school. I'm going to be late," She mumbled as she turned to rush off before he could say anything else. She was too new at this and she didn't trust her mouth or heart enough to continue this conversation. She wanted no part of what had happened before Hanover, before Eric's problem, before exactly 4:50 last night when she had come home. As far as she was concerned, that Serena was dead and buried, and if she rose again as a ghost then this Serena would be the ghost hunter.

"Serena," he pleaded.

Somewhere deep insider of her, some form of courage rose up then, something she wasn't expecting and definitely didn't recognize. If she was going to be this person, then the change had to start now. No more running away from these people, from her friends, the people she loved.

_Loved._

Maybe she did love Nate. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe she'd loved him for a long time, after all, the Shepherd wedding wasn't their first indiscretion by a long shot

For some reason, it was one of the few things about her childhood that she remember _very _well.

_They were in third grade, she, Blair, and Nate. Back in the days when recess was the one thing during the school day that you looked forward to more than anything else. They all attended the same school at the time; St. Mark's Presbyterian, an exclusive private school on Park Avenue. One day, during the fall, after they had eaten lunch together they had gone out to the playground to swing and play dodge ball. Serena had thrown the ball at Nate and hit him smack in the middle of the head, at which point he'd chased her around the playground for five minutes until he caught her (she was fast). He pulled her to the ground as she smacked at his chest and he planted a sloppy, third grade boy, kiss right on her lips through both of their giggles. _

It was Serena's first kiss, and Blair ignored her for two weeks after it happened.

But then, she was never very good with love, she never had been. For as long as she could remember, sex was the only thing that made her feel like someone noticed her long enough to love her, but it wasn't love she felt when she was ripping his clothes off on that bar stool. What they had done, that wasn't love.

But she didn't know what she felt looking at him then.

Longing? Nostalgia? Friendship?

Maybe it was love. Maybe it was love, but not the kind of love he was looking for? Maybe she loved him. No, she _did_ love him, like her brother. And she loved Blair like her sister. And because of that love, she had to end this right then and there.

She owed it to them to make this right; to be this person.

"No," She stated with new found determination as she turned on her heal to face him and stop this once and for all. "No."

He looked at her with a mixture of confusion and hurt. "But you're back now."

He thought she had come back for him. Because she loved him. Because she wanted to be with him.

"I didn't come _back_ for you." She almost pleaded. There had to be a way to make him understand.

"Look, Blair's my best friend, and you're her boyfriend; and she loves you," Serena declared, never taking her eyes off of his. "That's the way things are supposed to be."

And she knew that it was.

The hesitation she felt, the insecurities over the decisions she had made, they all seemed to fall away. Even as she looked into Nate's completely heartbroken, puppy dog, green eyes.  
This was clean cut, cold turkey, habit breaking; and it was the only way that she could make this work.

Serena turned away from Nate, leaving him looking small and alone in front of the huge, haunting, gray backdrop of St. Patrick's Cathedral across the busy street, before he could see the tears that were stinging the corner of her eyes and before she had the chance to second guess every single word that had just come out of her mouth.

She had just turned her back on the last person that she knew would have kept her from feeling completely alone and there was no going back now.

* * *

"Shit," Dan cursed under his breath, what little he had left that is, as he ran to catch his second bus. "Shit, shit, shit."

His morning had already started late thanks to his necessary extra prep time, and the fact that he had to take the thirty-nine bus from Williamsburg to Manhattan at which point he caught the twenty-nine all the way up Madison Avenue was not helping his situation today. He usually made sure he had plenty of time to grab a small cup of coffee during his route change, but today he'd barely had time to run from one bus stop to the next.

As he turned the corner from Houston Street; he saw the bus getting ready to pull away from the curve and into busy Manhattan rush hour traffic. He made one last breathless sprint and hopped up the stairs as the bus started moving.

That was luck if he'd ever seen it. Or course the bus was packed to the gills, as usual, and he would have to stand, as usual, which he hated. Standing meant he had to hold that nasty metal bar that he was sure was covered with God only knows what kind of diseases to avoid falling in the lap of the person sitting in front of him. In this case two kids about his age, dressed like they had just stepped out of the pages of a Barney's catalog.

"Serena looked _effing_ hot last night," He heard one of the guys say. "There's something wrong with that level of perfection. It needs to be...violated."

Fucking dick head. If he weren't on a public city bus right now, a place where he would run the risk of being arrested, he wouldn't have hesitated to kick the bastards ass right then. No guy talked like that about women when they were around him, especially not the woman that was the love of his life...or something like that. Besides, did everybody on this island know everybody else?

The other kid joined into the conversation. "You are deeply disturbed." His more sensible voice muttered.

"And yet you know I'm right," said the Bastard.

Dan looked at the profiles of both kids noticing immediately that they were dressed in St. Jude's uniforms like his. He thought he recognized the taller one, Nate something-or-another, star Lacrosse player...face plastered on the front page of the school paper all the time; but he had no idea who the other kid was.

On and on the dick went. "You're telling me, if you had the chance..."

"I have a girlfriend," Nate broke in.

"You guys have been dating since Kindergarten and you haven't sealed the deal," argued dickhead.

_Who says sealed the deal?_

"Who says sealed the deal?" asked Nate in awe.

_Thank you very much.  
_  
Dan continued to watch in horrified amazement as both guys laughed and the short bastard pointed to the front of the bus as it neared the stop closest to their school.

He didn't know whether to laugh or push the short guy into the tall one and watch as the domino effect took place and enjoy their humiliation as much as he could before they both kicked his ass.

He glanced around noticing several other guys from school as he held tightly to the hand rail and tried to avoid falling as the bus jerked to a stop at which point he ran right into the short bastard.

_Figures._

The shorter guy immediately turned, completely invading Dan's personal space which he _highly_ valued. "Are you following us or something?" Short guy snotted.

_Was he serious?_

Surely not even this dick could be so incredibly conceited AND stupid.

Oh, but apparently he could.

"No, I uh, I go to your school," Dan stuttered in shock as he looked down and gestured at his completely matching uniform. The uniform that was exactly the same as the jerks.

"Identical uniforms? That kind of a tip off?"

Dan's patience had hit negative fifty the minute the guy had the nerve to talk to him. Besides, these kinds of stupid jerks were exactly the kind of people he had way too much fun getting a rise out of. Maybe he would get the chance to kick this guy's ass after all, Juvie be damned.

The short guy shook his head in disgusted humiliation and turned towards the front of the bus as his pal, Nate, stared Dan down.

"That's funny," Nate retorted.

_Good comeback genius._

Well, Dan had thought it was funny.

In fact, he had a hard time concealing the smile that wanted to break across his lips as they walked away. "So, you guys want to sit together at lunch?" He asked no one in particular.

When hell freezes over, he thought to himself, would he ever willingly spend time in the presence of such spoiled jerks again (not that this time was his choice); even if they did amuse him.

* * *

_8:00 am  
_  
Serena hurried to get ready, roughly rubbing her wet hair through the fluffy white Ralph Lauren towels in the bathroom that she, unfortunately, had to share with her mother in the hotel suite. She had already been late due to Nate's unexpected visit, and the fact that she was living out of boxes on a hotel room floor which were completely unorganized had added another 10 minutes that she hadn't accounted for. At the bottom of the seventh box, she had finally found one of her old Constance uniforms. The hem of the skirt was coming undone and the white shirt was missing a button, but she didn't care. She grabbed a small Seven vest to throw on over the shirt and found her favorite Constance uniform tie, the one she wore every day with the gold pin and grabbed the blow drier from the bathroom wall. Thank goodness she didn't have to look for that too.

Perhaps living in a hotel did have certain conveniences she thought to herself as she roughly blew the hot air on her head, brushing quickly with every swipe.

She pulled her hair half back; it would have to do, and smeared on some Stila Lip Glaze before grabbing her large bag and rushing for the door.

Her mom hadn't come back to the hotel after their run in earlier that morning and she wondered, no hoped, that she was still at the Ostroff Center spending time with Eric.

She rushed to the elevator and through the busy and ornate lobby of the Palace and hailed the first cab that she saw. She finally had time to take a small breath as the cab driver rushed and swerved through the busy Midtown morning traffic and headed towards the Upper East Side. She recognized the milling group of students as the cab pulled closer to the large wrought-iron gates that marked the entrance to St. Judes and Constance Billard and took a deep breath. Whether or not she was ready, she was here, and there was no going back now.

She looked down at her frayed skirt and clenched the vest tighter over her chest to make sure that her gapping white shirt was covered completely before paying the cab driver and walking towards the pack of rabid dogs ahead of her.

She closed her eyes tightly as she walked through them, as if it would block the rumors and mumbling from her ears. It didn't, but that didn't really matter. She'd heard it all before and it was old news. She walked through the familiar faces saying hi to several people who stared at her in awe and noticing several other faces that she didn't recognize at all.  
As she came to the cafeteria, looking for her friends...or her old friends that is...she couldn't find Blair's dark brown curls anywhere. She grabbed a strawberry yogurt, her favorite, and a spoon and turned on her heal to go check several of their other morning haunts.

They weren't in the courtyard so she walked past Three Guys Coffee Shop next door. Peering in the window she was once again met with unfamiliar gazes.  
There was only one more place they could have been, the only other place close enough to school, her and Blair's place.

Serena turned the corner on the other side of the coffee shop and headed straight for The Met.

As she came up to the huge set of familiar gray steps, she finally noticed three familiar faces giggling and talking to some blonde girl she didn't recognize.

She picked up her pace to a little jog, the large strides of her long legs getting her to her destination in no time at all.

"Hey," she greeted in between bites of yogurt. "Here you guys are. I looked all over the dining hall for you."

She noticed that the tiny, blond girl that she didn't recognize was obviously not entirely welcome, and she sure as hell knew that feeling. She reached her hand out to greet the girl, after all, she could use all the friends she could get right now and she'd always had an easy way with people.

"Hi, I'm Serena," She smiled as the girl took her hand.

She was pretty, and very young, and she actually looked kind of nervous and out of place even with her cute clothes and neatly pressed Freshman girls uniform Jumper.

"I know," the girl said with a shy grin. "I mean, Hi. I'm Jenny."

Awkward hellos exchanged, she looked down at her familiar friends. Blair's face was calculated and amused and she recognized that look all too well. This wasn't the first time she'd seen it directed towards herself, and she'd witnessed it many more times directed towards others. Kati and Is sat silently, attempting and failing to hide some sort of invitations before Serena could see them, but she'd noticed the cream colored envelopes the minutes she started walking up the steps.

She reached down to pick up one of the cards, no sense beating around the bush. "So, when's the party?"

Wow, she was certainly getting sick of these awkward silences that seemed to follow her around the city like a pigeon looking for crumbs wherever she went these days.

Blair looked up at her with an amused and haughty grin as the other three girls shifted obviously, waiting for her response and avoiding Serena's questioning gaze.

"Saturday," Blair responded hardly apologetically. "And you're kind of not invited. Since until twelve hours ago, everyone thought you were at boarding school. Now we're full, and uh...Jenny used up all the invites."

Blair was getting pleasure out of this, and if Serena had any doubt about her being angry, it washed away the minute she looked at Blair's fake smile.

Little Jenny looked down guiltily as she attempted to cover for something that obviously wasn't her mistake, and probably wasn't even true to begin with. "Um, actually," She started with an embarrassed roll of her eyes.

"You can go now," Blair cut her off curtly.

Some things never changed.

Serena smiled at the girl as she turned to go. She thought she saw an sympathetic look in Jenny's eyes as she passed by, but she didn't want anyone's sympathy. She'd made this mess, and she was sorry, but she wasn't about to let Blair completely shut her out and walk all over her in the process.

Blair kept smiling, just like she had the night before. That sweet smile that covered whatever bitter feelings were hiding just underneath the surface and whatever punishment she saw fit to deal out.

"Sorry," She said half-heartedly and with visible satisfaction.

Serena matched her fake smile. She knew this game. They'd played it together for almost seventeen years now. "No, that's okay. I've got a lot of stuff to do anyway."

Going to that party on Saturday night was the absolute _last_ thing she could imagine doing at that point, but being shunned from an invitation list , especially to a party being organized by her best friend, was something she'd never experienced and she didn't think she liked the way it felt.

Kati and Is continued to sit there silently, still stupidly attempting to hide the envelopes that they knew she'd seen two minutes ago and waiting for Blair to give the orders. Blair was in charge now, and she was relishing the power, it didn't take a genius to figure that out.

She flipped her dark hair over her shoulder as she reached to pick up a cup of coffee and her box of carefully hidden invitations, silently giving the signal to the other two girls to follow suit.

"Well, we should get going then," She said in a sickeningly sweet voice as she stood with her full hands and Kati and Is mimicked her to a T. "Unless you want us to wait for you. Looks like you've got a lot of yogurt left."

Finally, the hate Blair was trying to conceal behind her proper breading and calculated facade spilled through.

Serena resisted the urge to be the victim, because that's exactly what she felt like, and feel sorry for herself. She'd messed up, she knew that, but that didn't mean that Blair could treat her like a mat to wipe her muddy shoes on. She'd had a reason for what she did, and she was only trying to protect her friend, and she was SO SORRY. But if Blair wanted a fight, then a fight is what she would get.

"No, go ahead," She smiled.

Far be it from her to interrupt Blair's royal command.

Her oldest and dearest friend smiled the most fake smile Serena had ever seen, which was a feat coming from Blair, before finally allowing her beautiful face to twist into a hateful stare as she brushed by Serena's shoulder and walked down the steps with her attendants in tow. Kati and Is, her other two oldest friends, barely gave her a passing glance as they bounded down the steps at Blair's side. Sometimes she forgot how much influence Blair could have over people, or maybe how much she scared them.

Serena sighed and looked down at her yogurt. She'd completely lost her appetite and her stomach clenched with an anger and determination that completely pushed the guilt to the very back of her mind.

She turned quickly on the steps and stopped Blair before she could get too far away. She wasn't ready to lose this fight...not yet. "Blair," She called as her beautiful old friend turned to look up at her, immediately followed in step by her attendants. "Think we could meet tonight?"

She had no idea what the hell she'd say, or what she was even thinking, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

Blair stared up at her for a very long second, either admiring her audacity or planning her downfall or both actually. "I'd love to, but I'm doing something with Nate tonight." She replied in a fake regret.

"The Palace, eight o'clock? Nate will wait," Serena plowed on as Blair stared at her with a mixture of hate and confusion. She obviously wasn't used to being questioned by anyone these days and Serena wasn't willing to take no for an answer, not when it came to this.

She locked her eyes with Blair's, attempting to let her know that she wasn't going to back down on this. They had to talk about her going away, about her leaving, and about her coming back.

Serena wasn't sure how she was going to do any of the above and leave out the very reasons why she had left and come back, but they couldn't go on like this...claws out and fangs bared...without one of them getting hurt more than either of them already were.

Behind Blair's steely stare she saw something break, either due to loyalty or curiosity, and her friend finally responded with haughty resignation though she made sure that everyone knew that she felt she was doing Serena a favor by making even the smallest amount of time for her.

"I could probably do a half hour," she conceded as she mentally calculated her busy calendar.

_How completely kind of her to squeeze it in her obviously busy schedule._

Serena felt tired. She was so tired from everything that she'd felt over the past two days suddenly. She resisted the urge to plop herself down on the hard cement steps in front of her "friends" and cover her eyes and cry the rest of the morning away. She wished that little Jenny hadn't left when she did. She didn't even know her but she could have used an alibi, or at least a neutral party as it seemed the score thus far was _World: 199, Serena: 0._

As she held Blair's stare for what felt like hours, all of that emotion spilled over into something else. Anger. She was angry. Blair had no idea what was going on in her life, no idea why she was back. And after everything they had been through, she couldn't even show so much as a thought of making things right and finding out what was going on and why Serena was angry.

"Thanks for making the time," She stated coldly, matching Blair's fake smile and beating it easily.

Blair continued to stare her down icily before stating the completely un-obvious. "You're my best friend."

And with one more hateful half-smile, she turned on her heals with Kati and Is in her wake and left Serena staring after them wondering what the hell had just happened; wishing that this was some kind of completely messed up nightmare.

She'd had no idea how right she was when the concern of being pushed off that bridge had flitted across her mind quickly as she was rushing out of Eleanor's party yesterday afternoon. Her shoulders slouched in silent defeat as she turned and sat on the steps, stirring the soft pink goo of her half finished yogurt that she had completely lost interest in, and watching her friends walk away quickly.

She knew they were talking about her, knew they were saying something, but she didn't want to know what it was. Not any more.

She'd royally fucked up...she knew that, and Blair was _acting_ completely fucked up, and this entire fucked up situation could end up being a lot harder than she had thought it was going to be and she had no idea how she was ever going to make things okay again.


	4. Other Ways to Drown Your Sorrows

_**ANI AM SO SORRY for the length between updates! I hope everyone hasn't given up on this story completely. This chapter has been longer than any of the rest and has been a long time in the making. I hope that it doesn't disappoint. And I also hope that the next update doesn't take like four months! To those of you who are still reading, THANK YOU! To everyone who has left a review, or will in the future, THANK YOU! And to everyone else...well, thank you too! I hope you enjoy this continuation as much as I have enjoyed writing it! Without futher ado...**_

**_Other Ways to Drown Your Sorrows_**

It was way too freaking cold outside to be following Rufus down the street helping him staple up signs for some lame ass concert. Dan couldn't help but wonder how he'd gotten himself roped in to this chore. Oh yeah, maybe it was because it was a Thursday evening after school, he didn't play sports, he didn't really have any friends, and he was finished with his school work. He had no life, that's how he always got roped into these kinds of things with his dad. He'd have to try to do something about that, even if it consisted of nothing more than getting a job as a dog walker. He could do that. Wait, he hated walking…which is why he hated what he was doing right now. Scratch that. He'd have to stick with the sign hanging unless he could talk some reason into his dad right this second.

"You know…you know Dad," He stuttered. "There's this thing called MySpace where you could post all this stuff on-line. Save some trees, have a blog."

Rufus looked back at him incredulously as he hurried across the busy street and Dan stumbled to keep up with him. "Maybe if musicians got off their blogs and picked up a guitar the music business would be in better shape."

Ah, another speech from the Rufus Soap Box. Just when Dan thought it wasn't possible for him to preach about one more subject. He laughed and looked down ahead of him, careful not to trip over his feet as he chased his father across the street. The last thing he needed was to end up as road kill in the middle of Brooklyn.

"Spoken like a true relic," he laughed.

Sometimes his dad could be such a fucking oldie.

"Thanks Hon," Rufus thanked him jovially.

Example A; His dad just called him hon. How fucking uncool could you possibly get?

Dan reached down to his pocket as he felt his phone vibrate; saved by the bell. He looked down at the text message displayed on the screen. He only got text messages from three people; Rufus, Jenny, and Vanessa. He wasn't surprised to see the message was from his little sister.

_Help. Emergency. 712 5__th__ Ave._

Well, that hardly sounded good. He felt his stomach drop. He and Jenny may have been constantly at each other's throats, but he was insanely overprotective of his little sister.

"Hey Dad, listen um, I've gotta run. Are you going to be okay?" He asked as mildly as he could. No sense worrying his father. If Jenny had sent him the message they she must have known it would be something that Dan would be able to handle.

Rufus looked at him sadly. "Yeah, yeah…you're Mom'll be back. She's always been a free spirit. It's one of the reasons I fell for her in the first place."

Dan almost choked on his own tongue. How fucking clueless could his dad be? Of all the things that he wanted to talk about right now, the last thing on the list was his absentee mother. He held up the rest of the pathetic looking flyers in front of Rufus's face.

"I meant with the flyers," he said attempting to hide his shock.

Rufus laughed uncomfortably, shaking his head and encouraging Dan on. He grabbed the flyers from Dan's hand and turned around to face the semi-covered telephone pole behind them. "Luckily staple guns are old school."

Thank God for little miracles. Wow, if Rufus was so quick to bring up their mom's leaving, maybe he wasn't doing as well with it as Dan and Jenny had thought. Dan stared at his Dad as he prepared to staple up another of his bright red flyers. Rufus must have felt Dan's eyes boring a hole in the back of his head and he turned one more time with an adamant _GO_ and an _I'll be fine_ and Dan threw his hands up in defeat.

He smiled at his old Dad before he turned to run off and rescue his sister from who the hell knows what kind of trouble she was in now.

Serena breathed a massive sigh of relief as she pulled up in front of the Ostroff Center at precisely; she looked down at her silver Chanel watch, 4:15. She had just finished one of the most completely fucked up days ever. Not only had Blair totally shunned her that morning, along with Kati and Isabel, but she'd pretty much felt like an outcast throughout the entire day at school. Even freshman and girls she didn't even know seemed to be looking at her like she had a third arm growing out of her forehead. She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but she always had been a glass half full type of girl, and this definitely wasn't it. She was just coming back to try and make things right, to make her life right, but so far it was all going terribly wrong.

She sighed as she pushed her way through the large front doors of the center, trotting down the hallway towards her brother's room. There was only one way to take her mind off a day like today, and it started with a B and ended with an endel's. And there was only one person she wanted to spend her time with right now, and he was trapped in a sterile room in a treatment center where he didn't even belong (or so she tried to convince herself).

She burst in to his room, a flurry of light and movement, immediately leaning towards the small chair and tossing his clothing in his face. "I talked to the nurse and I'm kidnapping you."

He looked up at her incredulously. He knew that look and that determined…determindness.

"We're going shopping aren't we?" he asked, dropping his copy of Rolling Stone on to his lap before a shirt hit him square in the middle of the face.

She continued flitting around the room as quickly as she could. "We're going to Bendel's. Just for an hour though, I swear. I had a really bad day."

And that was an understatement.

Eric reached up and pulled the black sweater off of his face, as Serena walked over and began yanking at his socks. He just wasn't moving nearly fast enough for her likes. They were working on a fixed schedule here and if she didn't get him out and back in the allotted time period she'd have to deal with the wrath of Lily van der Woodsen and that was just not something she could tolerate today.

"Really? Cause I had a great day," Eric said sarcastically. "A couple of pills, a shock test, they had this green jello for lunch…"

"Mmm, why didn't you _save_ me any?!" Serena crinkled her face and continued dressing her little brother like he was a Ken doll in need of a makeover. "Come on, we've gotta get you out of here before mom shows up."

Five minutes later and they had stealth moved their way past any sign of their mother as if they were the best spies the CIA could offer and were comfortably in a cab heading uptown. She had a smile on her face for the first time since seven that morning and her brother was by her side. Maybe the day would end on a good note after all. Surely she could make Blair understand that she had to do what she'd done...without actually telling her why she'd done it.

* * *

Dan jumped out of the cab at the address that Jenny had given him, hesitantly looking around. Somehow, he'd gone from the quaint streets of Williamsburg to the fancy store fronts of the Upper East Side and he had no idea what he was getting himself in to.

712 5th Avenue, AKA: Henri Bendel's, AKA: Dan Humphrey's personal hell on earth. Of all of Dante's levels, Dan thought this was probably close to the lowest. He looked around nervously as he stood in the middle of the busy Manhattan sidewalk. Cabs whizzed behind him on the street, Tourists walked around him trying to decipher if he was one of the crazy, homeless New Yorkers that they'd always heard about, and he stood staring at the store front like it was his waiting death sentence.

He hiked his messenger bag up on his shoulder and adjusted his all of the sudden way too tight collar before he took a deep breath and steeled himself to face the demons of the high end retail outlet. He pushed through the large glass doors and looked around at the aisles and aisles of clothes ahead of him. How the hell was he supposed to find his sister here? She could be anywhere and all of the rows looked exactly the fucking same. He grumbled, earning the stares of several passing shoppers and pulled out his phone. There was no way he was going to find her without some guidance.

_Where are you?_

Now what the hell was he supposed to do? He glanced around, hoping that none of the sales ladies were wondering why he was checking out the lovely, girly blouses he was standing in the middle of. An older lady with a gold name tag stared at him and he smiled sweetly before fingering the soft material of the frilly black blouse beside him, acting like he was interested in it. He toyed with the price tag on the collar and pulled it out. Three hundred fucking dollars…for a shirt?! What the hell was Jenny even doing in this store!?

He felt his phone vibrate and he pulled it out of his pocket quickly. Thank God she answered fast.

_3__rd__ floor, designer dresses. Hurry_

Hurry? Really? She didn't need to tell him twice. He couldn't fucking wait to get out of this place. He smiled again at the old lady who was eyeing him like he was a vagrant thief and he wandered towards the spiral staircase with large windows that led him up. How ironic, the further up he went, the further down into hell he seemed to sink.

He wandered out on to the floor that was sparsely filled with very expensive looking fancy dresses. For a huge store, they sure didn't seem to have a whole lot of stuff on the floor. He looked around and guessed that when one dress cost like six thousand dollars, you probably didn't need to sell a whole lot of them to make your days sales figures. He glanced around uncomfortably, finally spotting the blonde head of his very dead sister as she modeled a very pricy looking dress in front of a full length mirror.

She had better have a good fucking emergency for putting him through this. "Jenny," he called with his hands out. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"Do you like this on me?" she questioned, doing a little spin and modeling the fancy red number draping her tiny body.

Dan looked down and rubbed his chin. She was so fucking dead. "Wait…wait a second. Is that why you needed me? I thought you said it was an emergency."

She smiled up at him as if he were obviously too clueless to understand. "A fashion emergency. I mean, come on, I've never been to a big dance before."

And he had?

"Neither have I," he stated obliviously.

"Yeah, but mom's gone. And dad's allergic to department stores," she said as she wandered back over to the small rack of short dresses, picking up a tiny yellow number and holding it up to her body as she walked back over to the mirror.

Dammit, he always felt bad when she brought up their mother's absence. It wasn't fair that Jenny was going through these formative years without the benefit of motherly advice. He couldn't walk away now and he'd have to kill her later.

"Well, you look good Jen," he mumbled looking down at his little sister's reflection in the mirror from over her shoulders. His little sister who was, all of the sudden, not so little. "You do. Really."

She blushed and smiled slightly. "Thanks. I mean, too bad it's more than our rent, but I think I can sew something like it."

Yeah, good reason for her not to be shopping in this store Dan thought. At least she was crafty.

He watched her look around as something caught her eye. "Oh my gosh. It's Serena."

What the fuck? Not _his_ Serena…but then, how many other Serena's could there possibly be? No, no, no, this is not the way it was supposed to go down! He was dressed in sloppy clothes, helping his sister pick out a dress! She'd probably meet him and think that he was Jenny's poor, gay, charity case of a brother. Then he'd never have a fucking chance! This wasn't the way it went in any of his stories.

Dan looked up and saw Serena descending down the stairs like an angel falling out of heaven. Her golden hair fell over her shoulders and rested softy on her brightly colored shirt. Her black pants hugged her slim waist and she glided down the steps like her feet didn't even touch the ground. He didn't even notice the boy with her. She seemed to shine so brightly that nothing around her could even show up in the midst of her radiance.

She was his destiny, he was more certain of it now than ever and this was not the way that she was going to remember meeting him. He panicked and turned; practically running behind the large rack of dresses Jenny had been browsing, crouching down and hoping that the girl of his dreams hadn't seen him in the middle of his worst nightmare.

He subtly peeked around the edge of the rack, attempting to catch a glimpse of Serena's blue eyes. Dammit, it was really hard to stalk someone when you were so close to them; who would have thought?

* * *

Serena and Eric had completely covered all four floors of Bendel's and she had had absolutely zero luck. She felt like she wanted to go shopping, but she sure as hell wasn't doing a very good job with the whole retail therapy concept. Maybe she didn't necessarily feel like buying anything, as much as she just craved the comfort of the action and the thought of being with her brother.

"Whoever you marry is going to be the luckiest guy in the world," Eric laughed as they descended the staircase from the fourth floor.

Serena smiled at him as she weaved her arm through his. "What are you talking about? I mean, besides the obvious."

She gestured jokingly towards her body, framing her face.

"Well, there_ is_ the obvious," he smiled. "But you are the cheapest shopper ever."

"Nothing's jumping out at me," She whined. "I'm just not feeling it."

She looked up as they came to the bottom of the steps and noticed the tiny blonde girl that was talking to Blair and the other girls this morning at the Met. What was her name?

Before she even had a chance to try and remember, the girl was looking up at her and smiling. "Hi Serena," she called.

"Hey," Serena flashed a smile at the girl…Julie? Jessica? No, Jenny…her name was Jenny. She dragged Eric behind her as she walked over to greet Jenny who was wearing a striking red dress. "Jenny ,right?"

Jenny beamed up at her, grabbing a small envelope from her bag that was sitting on the floor under the mirror. "Yeah, Hi."

"This is my –"

"Stylist and personal shopper, Eric," Eric jumped in, cutting her off.

Serena laughed, hoping that Jenny was cool enough to realize he was joking. Even though ninety percent of the girls she knew were, she was most definitely _not_ that girl.

"Hi…um," Jenny greeted cheerily before turning around as if she were looking for someone herself. "This is my brother…"

Serena looked around, trying to spy another blonde headed boy who might be Jenny's brother, but she didn't see another soul in the entire area. Jenny's brother must have gone to look around someplace else, obviously not as patient as Eric.

"So, is that your dress for the Kiss on the Lips party?" She asked politely. She didn't really want to talk about that damn party, but Jenny seemed to have been involved in it somehow and she was the slightest bit curious.

"Sort of," Jenny smiled. "Speaking of that…here."

Jenny held up the envelope that she'd had in her hands and passed it to Serena. She looked it over and noticed Jenny's neat calligraphy scrawled all over the front.

"I made you one during free period, but if anyone asks where you got it…I know nothing," She smiled genuinely.

Maybe Serena wasn't quite as alone as she thought she was. Any girl that had the guts to stand up to Blair Waldorf and not fear the consequences couldn't be all that bad. She smiled at Jenny and tucked the envelope away. No way in hell was she planning on showing her face at a party her "best friend" was throwing that she hadn't even intentionally been invited to. But Jenny's gesture was sweet and it really did make her feel slightly less hopeless than she had an hour ago.

"Thanks," she said to Jenny before turning away with Eric. She was finished shopping, but she figured there had definitely been a reason she was at Bendel's that afternoon. As she and Eric walked back up the stairs towards the haute couture section of the store, she turned back around, thinking she noticed 

a brown haired boy ducking behind a rack of clothes. "Jenny," She called as the blonde girl turned around and looked up at her. "That dress would look even better in black."

Jenny smiled at her thankfully. "Black, cool. Thanks."

Serena nodded before turning and walking the rest of the staircase wondering if fate played a part in her desire to shop after school today.

* * *

Serena was nervous, first date nervous, standing in front of your class getting ready to give a speech nervous. And the sad thing was, she wasn't about to do any of those things. She was just sitting in a quiet, familiar bar right next to her best friend; her best friend whom she'd known for as long as she could remember. Blair looked gorgeous as usual. Not a hair out of place, bright red lipstick, discreet black turtleneck, trademark bow holding back her chestnut curls, all ready for a date that most definitely wasn't with her. She wore a cold and calculated look as she glanced back and forth between Serena and the gin martini she was nursing slowly.

A martini sounded so damn good, but Serena was desperately trying to stay away from anything that might cause her to say something she would regret. That wasn't why she was there. She missed her friend, and she loved her, and she just wanted to make things right; and besides, wasn't she trying to change? There were so many people that she just wanted to make things right with. At the rate she was going, she'd be trying to make things right with someone until the day she died.

Blair pulled an olive in to her mouth with her teeth and Serena took a deep breath, preparing to jump in to the cold water without looking back. "So, how's your mom doing…with the divorce and everything?"

"Great," Blair smiled. "So, my dad left her for another man. She lost fifteen pounds, got an eye lift. It's been good for her."

Whoa…okay, maybe she had missed more than she thought she had.

She swallowed hard and watched Blair down another huge sip of her drink. Damn, she really wished she'd gotten one herself.

"I'm really sorry," She ventured.

"Yeah, I could tell," Blair snapped. "Since you didn't call or write the entire time it was happening."

There was that icy smile Serena was becoming so familiar with. Shit.

"No, I know…" How the hell was she even supposed to explain herself without sounding like the complete bitch she was? "It's just…boarding school was like…"

"I don't even know why you went to boarding school to begin with," Blair cut her off.

Serena hoped that she never would know. Actually, she hoped that she'd forget herself.

Blair continued looking at her with that detached smile and cold glare. "Do you know how it felt calling your house when you didn't show up for school and having your mom say 'Serena didn't tell you…that she moved to Connecticut?'"

Blair seemed to know every fresh wound that needed some salt, and she wasn't missing as she poured a little bit into each cut and scrape.

"I just…I had to go…I needed to get away, from everything," She stuttered lamely. "Please, just trust me."

She was getting desperate and she hoped that her eyes portrayed her urgency without giving away her betrayal.

"How can I trust you when I feel like I don't even know you," Blair almost laughed.

Time for another new beginning. "Let's fix that. I saw you at school…with Kati and Is. And I get it. I…I don't want to take any of that away from you…"

"Because it's just yours to take if you want it," Blair jumped in.

Every word that Serena let slip out of her mouth just seemed to fuck this situation up more. All she wanted to do was let Blair know how sorry she was and she couldn't even seem to accomplish that one tiny feat.

"No…no, that's not what I mean…I…" She was at a loss for words. Serena van der Woodsen, at a loss for words, would wonders never cease?

She might as well just cut to the chase. This bull-shitting around wasn't getting her anywhere. She should have known better. Her Blair was way too smart, way too shrewd, for such tactics.

"I miss you," She half pleaded as honestly as she could. "I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. You know, walking to school together, dancing on tables at Bungalow, night swimming at your mom's country house."

Blair pulled another olive in to her mouth before looking back at her. Serena could see it on her face, she was finally getting through.

"You're like my sister," She continued. "You know? And with our families…we need each other."

And she knew that much was true. She desperately needed Blair. If she'd learned nothing else from her time away, this small fact had been pounded in to her head every day with a sledge hammer. Blair was like her other half, and she was hardly complete without her.

Blair looked down with a smile on her perfect face. The first real Blair smile Serena had seen since she'd been back. She felt a huge weight lift from her chest, finally letting herself breathe fully. Maybe this would end up working out…maybe she could make Blair understand without hurting her more by explaining the reasons why she'd had to leave.

"Well, you missed some classic Eleanor Waldorf meltdowns," Blair smiled dramatically. "If it wasn't such a tragedy, it would have been funny. Actually…it kind of was."

Serena laughed with her friend and it was probably one of the best laughs that she'd had in her life. She leaned in closer to Blair, allowing their arms to touch, a physical display of the closeness she yearned to get back.

"Well, I wish I could have been there," she laughed. And she really did wish that she could have been there, not to see Eleanor freak out, that was old news and she'd seen it a thousand times. But so she could have been there for Blair.

"You are now," Blair stated seriously before looking down and gathering her bag. "I have to meet Nate. I kind of have something special planned."

She didn't even _want_ to know.

Serena stood as Blair hopped out of her seat with her jacket. "I don't want to keep you. But um…I love you B."

She reached for Blair's hand and pulled her in to a tight hug, breathing her in and gripping her tightly. As she pulled back she looked at Blair's face, pleading for one last confirmation that maybe…just maybe things would turn out okay.

"I love you too S," Blair said before brushing by her and walking towards the door.

Serena turned and released a deep breath that she wasn't even aware she'd been holding. She wiped her sweaty palms on her pants before sitting back down at the bar in the seat that Blair had just vacated. She wasn't sure what she was expecting from the meeting with her best friend exactly, but it had gone well…better than she ever could have hoped.

Before she even realized what she was doing she picked up the drink that was sitting in front of her; the drink that Blair hadn't finished, and nursed the rest of it in one long gulp. The alcohol burned her throat on the way down and warmed her stomach as it settled. The entire process of coming home had just been so fucking much…maybe a few drinks was just what she needed to actually help her sleep tonight. She was desperately tired, and completely fucking lost. All she wanted was to forget everything when her head hit the pillow of the small couch she'd been sleeping on at the Ostroff Center, and there was one definite way she knew of to make that happen.

She lifted the glass up and flagged down the young bartender at the other end of the modern looking counter. "Can I have another?

* * *

Dan wandered lazily down West End Avenue towards his family's small Williamsburg loft. He loved this neighborhood. He loved the sounds and the smells and the people and the familiarity of it all. It may not have been the Upper East Side that his little sister was so intent on being a part of, but it was home 

and he couldn't imagine living anyplace else with his dad. He had just left his favorite coffee shop, where he had spent the majority of the evening writing a tragic poem about how lamely he had reacted to the sight of the angel from his dreams at Bendel's that afternoon. How much more fucking socially retarded could he possibly get. The minute he'd seen Serena, being unprepared with any romantic material, he had hidden stupidly behind a rack of clothing like a four year old hiding from his mom attempting to relieve the boredom of an all day shopping trip. He kicked at an old beer can that was in his path and sighed. "Fuck me."

He immediately picked trotted after the can and picked it up, dropping it in the recycling bin on the side of the road. He may have been pissed, but he loved the earth dammit. Unlike the lazy bastard that had dropped the can in the first place.

There were a million scenarios of how the whole Bendel's incident could have played out, none of which were the way that it actually went down…obviously. He had written them all down at the coffee shop, nursing a tall double shot espresso, never knowing when one of them might come in handy for his next awesome story. He had a couple of favorites, but one struck an especially sensitive emotional chord.

_Dan had come to his sister's rescue, saving her from the grips of her horrible fashion emergency. He had strolled casually into the aisles of the unfamiliar store with a cool and confident air. He was dressed in a sharp looking pin striped suit and sported an awesome pair of shades that made him look even more mysterious than he usually appeared. He wandered past several pairs of curious shoppers who looked him up and down as he past them by purposefully. They wanted a piece of him, just like everyone did, but there was only so much of him to go around and it was all saved for someone special…he just wasn't sure who. He skipped up the steps two at a time, knowing exactly where to find Jenny and as he saw her modeling the small red dress in front of the mirror, he pulled his sunglasses up and rested them on top of his short brown hair. He smiled at her and slid his arm around her shoulders, regaling her of her beauty and innocence. He had already had several of his stories published in the New Yorker and several other well known publications, which had allowed him to save up a fantastic nest egg for his young age. He pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills from his leather wallet and told Jenny to go buy herself the dress…she deserved it. Sure, he hated spending money unnecessarily, he gave most of it away to charity, but what he kept he used to keep his sister and father happy._

_Before Jenny even had the chance to pay for the dress; she looked up at the stairs and exclaimed Serena's presence in front of them. Instead of running behind the clothing rack like a toddler, Dan pulled his sunglasses back down in front of his eyes and stood solidly behind his sister. He couldn't take his eyes off of Serena's breath taking beauty; it was blinding him and taking his breath away at the same time. After Serena introduced her brother Eric, Jenny introduced him and he grabbed her soft hand, pulling it to his lips and giving it a lingering kiss. As he looked back up at her smiling face, he apologized for the sunglasses he was sporting indoors. No average apology though. Looking into Serena's beautiful blue eyes, and pulling the sunglasses off of his own, he told her; "Let me apologize for the sunglasses. I know it must seem weird _

_seeing a guy wearing them inside, but your beauty was shining so brightly I needed them to see." She grasped his hand tighter instead of letting go and he wrapped his arms around her, dipping her down and kissing her passionately, taking both of their breaths away. As the stood back up, she whispered and I love you into his ears and he smiled at her knowingly and told her with finality; "I have always loved you, and I always will."_

Damn, it was a great little story; a wonderful scenario.

Or a gag worthy romance novel. Had he reduced himself and his writing skills to five buck drug store book shelves? No, of course not; Serena was his greatest muse, his inspiration.

He slid open the large doors to the loft and wandered in to the back room where he heard Jenny working steadily at her sewing machine. Undoubtedly preparing her dress for the big fucking party of the century that he hadn't been invited to…thank God. He peeled the jacket from his shoulders and flopped his lanky body down on the cluttered couch beside his little sister.

"Hey," he greeted his sister lazily.

She looked up at him, shutting the machine off so she could talk without sewing her fingers in to her creation. "Ah, the invisible man returns. You know, I really had no idea you could move that fast."

Dan looked at her with confusion, attempting to mask his knowledge of his embarrassing reaction to the unexpected presence of his greatest love. "Yeah, well, your fashion emergency was solved so I figured my work was done."

I mean, seriously, he had helped so much with that hadn't he?

"Come on Dan, Serena said hi to you at a ninth grade birthday party and you've never forgotten it." Jenny stated.

True, very true, but that was his business…not hers. Besides, there was a reason for that on top of her incomprehensible beauty and grace.

"How could I? She was the only person that spoke to me!" He exclaimed. "And I'm pretty sure she thought I was someone else."

"You know, she's actually nice," Jenny sighed. "And if she did know you? I think she'd really like you."

Dan looked at Jenny like she'd grown another head. "I don't know. I think she might be a tad overwhelmed with the glitz and the glamour of the Humphrey lifestyle."

He made a sweeping gesture with his hands and let his head fall back roughly against the arm of the old couch that was just slightly too small for his entire frame.

"Well, I heard she's living at The Palace Hotel," Jenny rambled. Ah, Gossip Girl strikes again. He really had to remember to check that shit more often now.

Dan threw his hands up in defeat. "Well then, my point exactly."

"She's probably sitting at the bar by herself, sipping martinis all alone," Jenny said wistfully, creating a tragic story for Serena of her own in her head. Maybe awesome writing and creativity skills just ran in the family. Yeah right.

But, then again, this did sound an awful lot like the way he'd always hoped this would play out. What if she _were_ sitting at the bar drinking herself into a lonely stupor of…loneliness; a downward spiral of depression and a cry for help. What if she were sitting there, completely alone, just waiting for someone…for _him_ to come and rescue her from herself…from her life. What if…

He couldn't let that happen could he? Everyone needed a hero, and who was to say that a skinny boy from Brooklyn couldn't be the knight in shining armor to a princess from the top of the world after all?

"You know, it's actually kind of sad," Jenny continued as she looked at him slyly. "Oh, and um, dad's at the gallery working late and he um, left money for dinner. So, I was thinking Indian?"

Indian, no, he didn't have time for fucking Indian. He didn't have time for any food. He had a damsel to rescue and he was running late.

"You know, you know what. I think I'm…I'm going to go out," he drawled, lifting himself thoughtfully off of the couch as Jenny said okay as she turned her sewing machine back on.

He had no idea what he was doing; he'd never fucking listened to his sister before. But something in his heart told him that this could be the beginning of the greatest story of his life and who the hell was he to get in the way of a great work of art? And besides, going to someone's place of residence and looking to see if they were alone wasn't technically considered stalking exactly was it? I mean, it's not like he was spying on her through open windows or anything. He just wanted to make sure she was okay…to make sure she was real and not simply a dream. To make sure she knew that he was there, and that he loved her. But maybe he'd just start out with buying her a drink and stuttering himself into oblivion, surely she would remember him then…for something.

He slammed the door behind him as his sister mumbled something he wasn't listening too and ran down the steps two at a time to catch a cab for his certain destiny; be it good or bad.

* * *

Serena downed the rest of Blair's lukewarm Martini, leaving the olive which she hated, in record time. She was thirsty, or at least, that's what she told herself. So thirsty in fact that she was going to need another or risk dehydration, or worse, logical thinking. She pushed her glass to the edge of the bar and turned towards the bartender with coy eyes and a smirk as the bartender delivered her next drink. Serena knew how to flirt, it was one of her oldest and most refined skills, and she knew when to use it to her advantage. The bartender was along legged pretty red headed woman, but gender had never stopped her before, in fact she welcomed the challenge.

She hadn't been carded on the Upper East Side since she was 14 years old, and even if it were to happen, she always came prepared with her fake ID which she'd had since she was 16 (her first one had expired right before her sixteenth birthday at which point she became Ms. Jamie Radcliff, 433 E. 82 Street Apartment 7, 23 years of age and a full organ donor, of course).

Technically, the first one was what was left of Blair's and that hardly counted. So she didn't start counting until she'd had her first _whole_ drink.

One was for Eric. For Eric and the fact that she wasn't there for him and that she'd almost lost him. For she and Eric's completely fucked up lives. For the fact that she'd screwed up and she'd do it again (was she doing it now?) and again he would forgive her. For the fact that she loved him and she wasn't exactly sure how to make this right.

Two was for Blair and the fact that she wasn't around when Blair's life was falling apart. For Blair and the fact that they'd connected again, kind of, and Serena loved her. For the fact that she'd lied to Blair, she was still lying to Blair, and she'd left her without any explanation at all. For the fact that she didn't intend for her best friend to ever find out what she'd done because as far as she was concerned it was a mistake in the past, better left buried with the old Serena.

Three was for Edward, her mom's fourth husband, who died when she was fourteen. She missed him. He was good to them. Three, was a celebration for the year and a half of semi-normalcy he'd brought to their lives.

Four was for Nate, whose heart she'd broken again without even meaning to. Four was for the mistake that she knew she'd made, but that neither of them would ever forget. Four was for the mistake that she knew she'd never forgive herself for. Four was for Nate and it came with a prayer that he would forget her and move on and finally be able make Blair happy.

Five was for her mother and the fact that she'd managed to piss Serena off more in the past three days than she had in the past three years. But that could have been because Serena didn't remember much about the past three years before boarding school. She remembered, but it was a haze and she was rarely home enough to disagree with anyone. Five was for Lily van der Woodsen fucking up her kid's lives and five was downed with the hope of a new beginning.

And after five she lost count because the room started spinning and her head filled with fog. But she was still thirsty. She always seemed to have some deep seeded thirst that she couldn't quench, no matter how much alcohol she filled her system with. As she felt a warm body slide up next to her, too close, so close that she recognized the disgusting smell of too much expensive cologne and scotch on the breath. So close, that she knew without looking who it was that had just invaded her very precious personal space.

"I love this town," Chuck Bass smarmed in her face. "I'm going to have to tell my parents that the hotel they just bought is serving minors."

Luckily, she was already drunk or she was sure she'd have caused a scene right in the middle of the bar of the hotel that her mother was so intent on staying in. Serena sighed as she brushed her blonde hair off of her warm forehead, it felt very hot in the bar all of the sudden; almost too hot. Looking at him cautiously, observing his beady eyes and his completely put together appearance, she remembered all of the reasons she hated Chuck Bass so very much. "And if you get a drink, they're also serving pigs."

Wow, considering the hard time she was having putting any sort of rational thought together, that was a pretty decent come back.

"I love it when you talk dirty," Chuck retaliated immediately.

Two could play at this game, though one of them may have been at a slight disadvantage. Or advantage, depending on how you looked at the situation.

"You just love it when a girl talks to you," Serena slurred as she continued to gauge him warily. If there was one thing she knew about Chuck Bass, it was that you should never get comfortable enough to trust him, as he was soon to prove with his next words.

"Actually, I prefer it when they're not talking," he said with a silky smile.

God, there wasn't enough alcohol in this entire town to get her though a conversation with Chuck Bass. "Hmm, I've missed your witty banter," she replied sarcastically without actually looking at his disgusting face.

"Well, let's catch up," he continued, not missing a beat as he leaned in closer, always closer. "Take our clothes off, stare at each other…"

Her head was spinning and the room was following suite and that combination mixed with the sound of Chuck's words was making her realize that she was fading and fading fast. This wasn't what she'd meant to do, this wasn't who she wanted to be any more. Ignoring Chuck's disgusting words was easy when she felt like she was about to fall off of the bar stool. "How about I just get a bite to eat, I've been drinking on an empty stomach."

She could feel him staring at her incredulously; the wheels turning as he attempted to find the next set of words that he knew would get under her skin. "I heard you didn't do that anymore."

He was right, she didn't do that anymore. But tonight was different. She was celebrating her completely untriumphant return to the city, to her friends, to her life. A life that she was pretty sure she didn't want any more and Chuck Bass wasn't doing anything to change her mind about that.

"Special occasion," She explained shortly as she took another long gulp of the Martini that was causing her head to swim. At least Chuck Bass could never judge her for anything she'd done or continued to 

do. Not when he'd done a thousand times worse and seemed proud of every single moment of his worthless life.

"Well, how about a Grilled Cheese with Truffle Oil?" He asked her with faked kindness. "You do love Truffles."

She started at him, attempting to judge whether or not he was serious, but the alcohol that was flowing through her system and clouding her brain made it virtually impossible to tell. Chuck Bass was good at his game and tonight he was on a roll. "Enough to know it's not on the menu."

"Good thing I'm connected," He assured her without missing a beat.

Picking up the glass and downing its contents for good measure she drunkenly slid off the bar stool, almost stumbling in to his waiting arms. His touch disgusted her almost as much as Chuck himself did and she instinctively threw her hand up, pushing him away from her body and glaring at him with fire behind her blue eyes. "Only because I'm hungry."

With Chuck Bass there were always strings attached and a Grilled Cheese sandwich could end up costing her a lot more than she was willing to pay.

He followed behind her closely as she stumbled her way in to the kitchen, not allowing his arms to get close enough to help her do anything else. Without touching her again, he guided her in to the kitchen and helped her up on to the counter as he turned and gave the orders to the cooks that he apparently knew. If she would have been just a little less drunk than she currently was she probably would have realized that he was a pro at this and that this exact move was probably one he'd pulled many times to get a girl into a private room so he could do what he wanted. His intentions were anything but harmless and his bite was definitely worse than his bark.

Within minutes, he'd delivered the best sandwich she'd ever put in her mouth. She couldn't tell if it was the fact that she was starving, or drunk, or if the truffle oil really was that rich and the cheese that creamy. But all she could do in the ecstasy of the moment was stuff it in her mouth as she sat on the cool metal counter and watch Chuck shove some money in the cook's pocket, which should have been a sign that this sandwich definitely came with strings attached. She eyed him warily as she chewed the bite she'd taken, noticing the way his eyes moved over her body, taking each part of it in and never really looking at her face. She noticed the way he moved with a purpose, like he knew exactly what he wanted and she was going to give it to him whether she liked it or not, but she was too drunk to care and all she could mumble out was "Oh my god, this is so good."

Before Serena even knew what was happening, Chuck's had was on her bare thigh, his body working its way between her legs. She felt the bite of sandwich she was trying to swallow catch in her throat as the realization of what he expected of her finally hit her fully in the face like a ton of fucking bricks.

"Well, if you're looking for a way to thank me, I've got a couple of ideas," Chuck murmured seductively in her direction, subtlety never being his strong suit.

"It's a sandwich Chuck," Serena shifted her body uncomfortably as he pressed closer. She picked up a napkin, wiping her mouth, and kicking herself for being stupid enough to fall for this asshole's games. She'd known him for as long as she could remember and after six drinks she couldn't see through him? She attempted to push him away as he stared at her intently, rubbing her leg greedily. "This is…uh uh, this is not happening right now."

He moved in closer, his face merely inches from hers as he breathed his next words. Words that caught her in her movement and caused her heart to stop beating. The only five words that he ever could have said to get her to stop in her tracks and listen to him. The only five words he could have said that could have caused her to realize again, the magnitude of what she'd done. "Worried Nate will find out?"

How could this be happening? How did he know? They'd been alone, and they'd been drunk, but they'd been careful. Had Nate told him? Had he told Blair? What the fuck was she going to do? She couldn't move.

"What?" All she could do was stare at him as he moved closer still, not willing to let it drop as she cowered beneath him.

He smirked at her, knowing that he was winning this game so far and she had forgotten all of the rules. "Last year, the Shepherd wedding. You think I don't know why you left town?"

And there she was again, back at that moment, in the sun filled and empty bar with Nate as he watched her dance on the bar top, spinning with the champagne that they'd stolen from the reception. She hadn't meant for it to happen. She'd wanted him and the drinks had caused her to forget what she was doing, who she was doing it with. They were so connected, Nate and she, sometimes it had been easy to do and on that day, he had wanted her as much as she'd wanted him and there had been no reason to hold back. No reason except for Blair, who they both had seemed to have conveniently forgotten. Blair who was her best friend.

_His hands were on her legs pulling her down on top of him as they laughed and the top flew off the champagne, spilling it all over them both. He felt so good as he pulled her face closer and she placed her hands on the soft skin of his cheeks. Before she knew what was happening, his lips were on hers. They were hungrily taking each other in as their tongues wrestled and their bodies came together, her dress moving up her legs and her hands taking off his shirt quickly. This was need, pure and unhindered, and even if she'd wanted to…she couldn't have stopped. Her hands were everywhere and so were his and she could already feel him beneath her, ready to take it to the next level and she wanted him…she wanted Nate so badly._

Chucks words, taunting and firm, pulled her back in to reality as she stared at his challenging face. "The best friend and the boyfriend. That's pretty classy S. I think you're more like me than you'd admit."

And this was the very thing that she feared the most. Becoming like him, becoming like them. Becoming who she used to be and forgetting who she wanted to be.

"No," she almost pleaded, begging him to see her for who she was trying to become and not who she was, as if his opinion even mattered. "That was then, I'm trying to change."

"I liked you better before," He whispered as he moved closer, always closer. Pressing himself in to her and bringing his hands up to her unwilling face as she attempted to dodge his mouth, his fingers. He was all over her and she couldn't see straight enough to escape. She felt her stomach churning under his pressure and the weight that his words had carried, and she could feel herself beginning to panic.

This wasn't happening. This could absolutely not be happening.

"Stop it," she cried as she lifted her hands in attempt to block his greedy touch. His mouth was on her face, barely missing hers as she turned her head forcefully. She was moving her legs against him, pushing him with all of her drunken might, but the fight only seemed to turn him on more. "No, get off. Stop it!"

It was too much. One minute he was Nate and he was inside her and it felt so right and so good and so completely wrong, but she didn't want to stop. And the next minute he was Chuck again, forcing himself on her, pushing against her and hurting her. It was a blur and her past was colliding with the disaster her future had become, and all because of her one act of betrayal. All because of she and Nate.

Chuck's hands were rough and his mouth was wet and she couldn't seem to get her thoughts together enough to push him away. "Chuck, No! Get off of me!" Finally, with one last burst of energy, she pushed against him so hard he flew away from her, leaving her enough room to knee in the one place that could stop him in his tracks. She stumbled off of the counter and grabbed her bag, watching Chuck clutch at himself in pain as he rested his head against the stove. She turned her back on him, never looking back, never wanting to lay eyes on him again. Disgusted with him, for everything that he was and disgusted with herself for everything that she was. She had to go, she had to run, her stomach was threatening to rebel and thoughts of Nate's hands mingled with Chuck's were clawing at her mind as she picked up her pace and ran from the kitchen. Her mind was still too foggy with alcohol and regrets to see anything in front of her and she ran straight into a brown haired boy who caused her to drop her bag and spill its contents all over the floor. She didn't take the time to apologize, or too look at him closely as he helped her gather her belongings. She had to run. She had to run from Chuck and from her past and from who she was, before it all consumed her and she could never look forward again.

* * *

Dan meandered through the crowds of fancily dressed people as he searched the bar of The Palace Hotel, wondering what the fuck exactly he was doing again. Oh, that's right. He was chasing a dream. Chasing after a girl that didn't even know his name, let alone know him. Chasing after a girl that had haunted his thoughts and his dreams for the past two years and chasing after something he was sure he didn't deserve and would never have. So, right…what the fuck was he doing again?

This was all Jenny's fault. She had egged him on, forcing him out of his comfort zone and luring him into chasing after something that she knew would only end up embarrassing him. Oh, he would have to get 

her for this. Serena van der Woodsen was nothing if not completely and utterly out of his league. Wasn't she?

Of course she was. He was stupid to even consider questioning this fact. He wasn't a fucking idiot, or maybe he obviously was. After all, his actions regarding Serena wouldn't prove otherwise would they? They were kind of just like Romeo and Juliet, he and Serena. Star crossed lovers destined for tragedy. That is if Juliet never actually knew who Romeo was and didn't even realize that she'd spoken to him once at a party that Romeo wasn't invited to. Yes, other than that it was virtually the same god damn story.

He glanced around the room as he came up to the bar, looking over the single females occupying the area and probably seeming like an under aged kid trying to score some ass. Several pretty blonde girls, a couple of brunettes, but no beautiful Serena. He'd kill Jenny with his bare hands, but mostly he just wanted to kill himself for being stupid enough to get caught up in her teenage girl fantasy. He didn't belong here, among these fancy people in this fancy bar. He'd never even been _in_ a bar, let alone one where one drink probably cost more than he had in his bank account at the moment.

Taking one more spin around the room, turning his back to the exit and glancing down the bar to make sure he hadn't missed her, as if he could miss her, he sighed and ran his hand through his too short hair. Right as he was lifting his foot to walk out, he felt shoulder get rammed hard from behind and he almost stumbled to the ground as the other person dropped her belongings at his feet. Shit. This was exactly why he shouldn't be in places like this.

He kneeled down to pick up the girl's belongings as he apologized in a rush. "I'm s-so sorry. Are you okay?" Finally looking up, he saw that blonde hair, the slim form, the fucking beautiful face that took his breath away and was visibly upset which broke his heart. He couldn't take his eyes off of her as she scrambled for her things, shoving them in to her bag. God, had he upset her? I mean, obviously, he'd almost knocked her over, but it seemed like something deeper than that. She caught his eyes long enough for him to see the desperation that clouded hers, but he couldn't speak. He'd literally lost his ability to form a completely sentence, or even a word, which was a rare thing for Daniel Humphrey. She finally looked away, after what seemed like a short eternity, and stood to her full height, running from the bar and from him as fast as she could go.

He wanted to follow her. He wanted to hug her and hold her and tell her that it was going to be okay. He wanted to make sure he never saw that look in her eyes again. He wanted to give her everything she wanted and show her that she was the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen. God, he wanted so much for her and he couldn't even speak to her. He was a fool.

Looking down in disappointment, he saw that she'd left her phone and he grabbed it, hopping up to his full six feet before he realized that she was long gone. Just like she always did, she had disappeared and left him alone with nothing but his obsessive memories and the desperate wish that he could be good enough for her, that he just would have fucking _said_ something.

He held her black phone in his hands, looking it over. Well, he'd come looking for Serena and he had found her, kind of. And now he was walking away with her cell phone, just like a true stalker would. This situation was becoming ridiculous, even for him, and that was hard to believe. He turned his head slightly, his brown eyes coming to rest on the dick from the bus earlier that day who was rushing from the same direction as Serena had just come, with a very distinct limp and a very pissed off look on his face as he glared at Dan.

Dan slid Serena's phone in to his pocket, where it would be safe until he could figure out what to do with it exactly…something that wouldn't make him look like a thief or a lunatic, as he watched Chuck Bass hurry away. He was a smart guy, he wasn't fourth in his class for fucking nothing. Something had happened, most likely between the two, and the thought enraged him. To think of that dick with his hands on Serena, to think of her willingly kissing him, or unwillingly…or what the fuck ever. To think of it…

Serena van der Woodsen and Dan Humphrey were from two very different worlds, this much he knew. But maybe she needed saving from hers as much as he wanted to be the one to save her. Shy Dan Humphrey was done sitting back and watching life go on without him. Starting tomorrow, Serena van der Woodsen would know who he was if he had to throw himself in front of a bus in order for her to recognize him.


End file.
